Don’t give unsolicited health advice to someone struggling with an eating disorder
I’m sure you have good intentions when you give unsolicited health advice to loved ones, but I’m here to tell you, they don’t want or need this! We all get enough of this from society and the media, so let’s give each other a break. Your unsolicited advice is most likely causing more harm than good. And today I’m going to talk about some of the ways you may unintentionally be harming your loved ones and causing them to perpetuate harmful behavior patterns so that you can avoid doing this in the future. Creating an environment that promotes health can be difficult in our culture and I’m sure you’re wondering where to even start…
Stop making comments about weight/body size
If you make a comment insinuating your loved one need to lose weight, this can obviously cause them to spiral into unhealthy patterns of behavior with eating and exercise, as well as unhealthy patterns of thinking with body shame and eating guilt. But it works the other way, as well. If you make a comment about how great your loved one looks now that they’ve lost weight, that encourages them to continue with whatever patterns of behavior and thinking it took for them to get there. You might not think this is harmful, but you don’t know what’s going on for them. Maybe they lost the weight because they got sick for a couple weeks and couldn’t eat normally. Or they tried out a new fad diet that cut out food groups they enjoy and which isn’t really sustainable long-term for them. Or they started a crazy new workout regimen that causes them to feel tired and sore all the time. Or they developed an eating disorder. The point is, you don’t know what’s going on for them! You don’t know why they lost weight. It could be that they are practicing much unhealthier behavior than what they were practicing before (at their heavier weight) and you making a comment about their weight reinforces the idea that they should continue to practice these unhealthier behavior and thought patterns to try to maintain this new body size.
Stop making comments about appearance in general
We are so much more than our bodies. We focus so much on the way we look, but we are not decorative objects and we were not put on this earth to look pretty! We need to stop objectifying ourselves and others by refraining from comments about appearance. Besides, how much better does it feel to be affirmed for your personality or intelligence?! Compliments about internal qualities that we can cultivate and change are much more meaningful than compliments about external qualities that we don’t have much control over (our appearance and our body size). Our bodies will always be changing and we don’t have a whole lot of control over the ways they change. If we could channel the energy we put towards changing our bodies into energy to change our minds, we could be living much more fulfilling lives. By focusing on the things we don’t have much control over (and don’t matter much), we distract ourselves from focusing on the things we do have control over (and that really matter)! Encourage your loved ones by focusing on and admiring the qualities that truly make them who they are- their strength, resilience, intelligence, kindness, etc. See how different it feels for you. Start giving yourself compliments on your inner qualities and see how that feels. Appreciate your loved one’s body for being the house to the incredible spirit inside. Thank your own body for housing your own incredible spirit. Focus on further cultivating what’s within. You’ll notice it feels a lot better to focus on the things you can change rather than dwelling on the things you cannot.
Stop insinuating that health can be determined by size
To support your loved one and create a better culture for those who struggle with food and their body, educate yourself and investigate your beliefs around health and fat. If you believe that healthy=thin and unhealthy=fat, do a little soul-searching. What’s going on there to make you believe this and where does this belief come from? Has the media or culture manipulated you into believing that you must be thin to be healthy in order to make a profit off you? We live in a world that has told us we are unhealthy if we weigh a certain amount or eat a certain way, but health is far more than what we put into our bodies and weight does not determine health. There are far better health predictors than weight. If you’re not on board with this, read Health at Every Size to change your mind.
Dig in to any other beliefs you have around fat
Do you believe fat=lazy, stupid, gross, or morally inferior? Are you scared that if you’re fat or if you become fat, that would mean you are all of those things? Break down those beliefs, baby! Fat doesn’t mean any of these things! It’s perfectly okay to have fat on your body and fat does not mean that you are lazy or unintelligent or undisciplined. Fat means that your body is doing it’s job and fighting to keep you alive and thriving by taking in as much energy as it can. Fat means you are doing your best to take care of yourself. Maybe your body needs to be a bigger size to feel healthy and safe. Or maybe eating is the best way you know to cope with life. There’s nothing wrong with this, you’re doing the best you can with the tools you’ve got! It’s nobody’s business how you take care of yourself and it’s not your business how other people take care of themselves. We need to stop insinuating that people are inferior if they don’t fit our idea of health or beauty. You don’t insinuate that someone is less than if they aren’t getting adequate sleep or if they’re not addressing their social needs, so why would you judge someone as less than because of the way they address their nutritional needs? We’re all doing the best we can to take care of our bodies the best way we know how. Practice empathy with others (and yourself!) as you recognize that everyone is doing the best they can to address all their bodies’ needs.
Stop making comments about the food your loved one is putting into their body
Their body, their choice. People are so much more than their food choices, so please stop doing this. If they’re eating foods that don’t nourish them physically or mentally, they’re already feeling it, so no need to add to this. If they’re eating foods that nourish their bodies physically and mentally, wonderful! Either way, you shouldn’t have anything to say about it.
Stop commenting on the amount of movement they’re getting in their day
Same thing with the amount of movement your loved one is getting in their day. Our bodies want to move, but not when movement is a punishment for our food choices or a chore we have to do to maintain a certain body size. Help your loved one connect with joyful movement and find ways they like to move their body; don’t encourage exercise that feels like a punishment or a chore. We need a healthy relationship with movement and we’ll never get this when we associate it with weight management.
Improve your own body image
Lastly, stop degrading and hating on bodies (others and your own)! When you fully accept your own body, you stop criticizing or wanting to change others bodies as well. Your body is wonderful and allows you to have fantastic experiences throughout this world. It doesn’t need to be a certain size to have wonderful experiences and there’s no need to struggle against it because of the way it looks on the outside. The more we hate on our own bodies and others’ bodies, the more distracted we are from the things that really matter in our lives. Accept that bodies are diverse and are not meant to look the same. Accept the body you’ve been given and live happily in that body because it’s the only one you’ve got and it’s doing it’s best to keep you alive and thriving!
If you have further questions about how to best support a loved one with an eating disorder or would like to schedule a therapy appointment with me to process through any of this, contact me!