Imposter Syndrome : Anxiety and Doubt About New Roles

What is imposter syndrome?

Have you ever taken on a new role that felt beyond your skill set? Maybe it was a new role in your family (stepping into parenthood or becoming a caretaker for an elderly parent) or a new role at work (getting a promotion, changing jobs, starting your own business). If you felt like you weren’t good enough to fulfill this new role you were given, you experienced imposter syndrome. Imposter syndrome is when we doubt our skills and abilities and feel undeserving of the roles we have. We fear that others will find out how inadequate we are and we often can feel lots of anxiety as a result.

Who struggles with imposter syndrome?

Not everybody struggles with imposter syndrome, but I’ll tell you a little secret about those who do… those people are the ones doing risky things. They’re trying things that feel a little scary and they’re putting themselves out there for potential rejection or failure. They’re taking a step out of their comfort zone and into their growth zone. They’re choosing to not be stagnant because they know there’s a lot to learn and they want to learn so they can be better.

What does it mean if I struggle with imposter syndrome?

You are taking a risk

If you struggle with imposter syndrome, I’d like to take a second to congratulate you for doing something that feels scary. You don’t feel like a fraud when you’re doing something you’re good at or something you’ve done a million times before. You feel like a fraud when you’re doing something new and difficult. So good on you for stepping up to the plate and trying something new and difficult.

You are learning

You feel like a fraud because you know you don’t know everything. But neither does anybody else! It’s easy to feel inadequate when you think about all the growth/learning that lies ahead, but don’t forget about the growth/learning that you’ve already been through to get where you are today!

You are comparing

It’s easy to feel inadequate when you compare yourself to people who have experience in the role you’re in. Of course you’re going to feel like you’re terrible at your new job when you compare your work to the work of your coworker who’s been doing the job for three decades. You can’t compare apples to oranges.

What can I do to combat imposter syndrome?

Acknowledge your strength

Congratulate yourself for stepping up to the challenge and doing something hard. Remind yourself of the strength it takes to step out of your comfort zone. Make a list of all the other strengths you have that equip you for your role. Give yourself credit for the things you’re good at. Acknowledge all the learning you’ve done to get you where you are today (school, reading, classes, inner work, etc.).

Compare yourself fairly

If you are going to compare yourself, compare yourself fairly. Compare yourself to the community at large. I bet if you’re a new mother, you know a lot more about motherhood than I do because I’ve never had a child. I bet if you’re a lawyer, you know a lot more about law than I’ll ever know because I’ve never been to law school. Even if you feel like you’re the worst at whatever you’re doing, remember that you probably have a lot more skills and experience to handle what you’ve got in front of you than the average person. There is a reason you’re in the position you’re in and you can’t forget that!

Talk it out

If you talk to other people who have been where you’re at today, they almost certainly felt the same way you do right now. Imposter syndrome is super normal and most people feel it at some point when they’re trying new things that are hard. Voice your doubt and insecurity to friends, family members, or mentors you can trust. They’ll most likely tell you they felt the same way you did when they were starting out. It’s normal. Nobody expects you to be perfect or to know everything when you’re starting out, so stop expecting that of yourself. Give yourself some grace.

Imposter syndrome can be extra difficult for people struggling with anxiety or those who have tendencies towards perfectionism. If you need extra help dealing with any of these things, schedule a counseling appointment today. 

How To Online Date Successfully | 9 Tips For Better Dating Experiences

If you’ve ever tried online dating, you probably know that it can make you feel like you’re on an emotional rollercoaster. One minute you’re feeling great because you just got a sweet message from a new match and the next you’re feeling like shit because you realize you’ve definitely been ghosted by the person you went out with a few days ago. Online dating doesn’t have to be so emotional, though. It can be a really enjoyable experience that can help you get your needs/wants/desires met without making you crazy. All you need to do is approach it with an open mind and…

Get clear about what you want from online dating

There are lots of reasons why people turn to online dating. Some people online date with the intentions of finding someone to marry. Some people online date as a way to find friendly people to do fun activities with. Some people online date to find someone to fulfill physical or emotional desires. Some people are looking for a lifelong partner while others are just looking for a tennis partner. All of these reasons for online dating are wonderful and valid, but in order to be successful in finding what you want, you must get clear about what you want.

Be clear about what you want from online dating

Once you know what you want from online dating, be clear about it! If you’re just looking for someone to play tennis with, it’s perfectly okay to put in your profile “just looking for a tennis partner!” Stating what you want is always the easiest way to get what you want. Being unclear will only create more work for you because you’ll have to weed through a bunch of people that don’t even like tennis. If you state what you want and someone isn’t into it, then that person probably isn’t for you.

Don’t take things personally

It’s kind of a bummer when people don’t like tennis or don’t want to play tennis with me, but I don’t take it personally. I remind myself that they’ve probably had a bad experience with the game or they don’t feel like they’re good enough to play the game with me. I also remember that sometimes I don’t like playing tennis with certain people because they don’t feel like a very good match for me. It doesn’t mean I don’t like them, it just means I don’t want to play tennis with them. Not every person you meet up with will be able to fulfill your needs or desires. And that’s okay. It doesn’t necessarily mean they don’t like you. It may just mean that they don’t like you enough to want to spend every day for the rest of their life with you.

Have realistic expectations

If you’re looking for a tennis partner, know that not everybody who plays tennis will be a good match for you. If you’re looking for a lifelong partner, know that even less people would be a good match for you. Online dating is a process and it takes time. You must have patience.

Don’t put so much pressure on the date

Even if you’re looking for a lifelong partner, a first date is supposed to be casual! All you’re doing is getting to know another person. No reason to be nervous or stressed. If you get along, great! If not, move along. This isn’t some kind of performance or competition; it’s a human interaction.

Check in with yourself

Are you enjoying the conversation or the interaction? People are often worried about how the other person is experiencing them, but your experience matters too! If you aren’t having a wonderful time, it’s okay to leave the date early or decline another hangout.

Set boundaries

People are so afraid to set boundaries, but boundaries are wonderful! Boundaries help everyone understand where the comfort zone is and where it is not. When you set a boundary, people will either respect it or they won’t. If they don’t, leave the situation as quickly as possible because this person does not and will not respect you. If they do, your boundary worked and you can feel safe and comfortable and respected!

Be open-minded

If you’re unsure about someone after a first date, give them another shot! Some people get really nervous on first dates and it might take them a little bit to calm down and act like a normal human. Also, things you think are deal-breakers aren’t always deal-breakers. You may come around to that country accent or find a soft spot for that Chihuahua.

Own who you are and know your worth

Don’t ever hide parts of who you are to appeal to someone else. If someone isn’t accepting of you as a whole person, they don’t deserve to be in a relationship with you. You are a unique, wonderful human who deserves to be loved fully and there are people out there who will love you fully if you’ll allow them. But you have to show up to be seen. And you have to own every part of yourself (even the messy parts) to be fully loved.

Sometimes it’s hard to talk about the trials and tribulations of dating. It can feel really vulnerable to talk about feeling rejected or not deserving of love. If you need a safe space to process through these feelings, therapy is a great option! If you’re in Kentucky, schedule an appointment with me! If you’re somewhere else, watch this video on how to choose a therapist! 

How To Combat Seasonal Depression | 9 Ways to Better Manage Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD)

‘Tis the season for seasonal depression and you’re certainly not the only one feeling it. Many people get the winter blues when the weather turns and it’s not uncommon to feel extra down this time of year. Luckily, I’ve got your back and have a few tips and tricks to fight that seasonal depression when it comes around. 

Get Cozy : Hygge

My least favorite thing about winter is the cold. Being cold makes my body tense and feeling tense is the least relaxing thing in the world. Being cozy is super relaxing, though, and the best time to get cozy is during the winter. The Danes use the word hygge to describe the coziness of the season. To embody hygge, let the cold be an excuse to stay inside and relax after a long year. Allow yourself to rest and restore your energy. Buy some warm clothes and fuzzy socks to keep away the cold. Cuddle up with a blanket and a fun book. Light a candle and put on some soothing music. Do whatever feels warm and comforting to you.

Get Into Your Senses : Mindfulness

We often find ourselves with more free time on our hands in the winter because most of us spend less time outside the house when it’s cold. This can cause us to get in our heads even more than we usually do, which can exacerbate any anxiety and/or depression we’re already feeling. Instead of ruminating on the past or worrying about the future with that free time, try tuning in to the present with mindfulness by getting into your senses. Do something that engages only one of your senses or do something that engages all of your senses. Put on some essential oils, listen to ASMR, meditate, pet something fuzzy or furry, pay attention to all the flavors in your food. When you’re focused on the sensations you’re experiencing in the present, you don’t give your mind the time or space to spiral further into your depression.

Get Into Your Body : Stretch, Dance, Yoga, Massage

Another thing you can do to get out of your head is to get in to your body. Some people have a hard time with this one because they have negative beliefs about being in their body, but I’m telling you, if you can embrace your body and feel your body, it’s one of the most magical feelings in the world. Stretching was the catalyst that got me back into my body and I have raved about it ever since because of the wonderful feelings it’s led me to. If you don’t stretch, I’d strongly recommend it. You’ll realize your body has been trying to communicate with you by sending you aches, pains, and discomforts. Your body wants to be moved and touched. You’re allowed to move and touch it in whatever way feels good to you. Stretch, dance, practice yoga or give yourself a massage! It’s amazing how good you can make yourself feel just by loving on your body a little.

Get Light : Vitamin D

If the sun is shining, try to get outside! We need Vitamin D and many people are Vitamin D deficient during the wintertime. If you can’t bear the cold or the sun isn’t shining, try getting some Vitamin D supplements or invest in a Happy Light to supplement for sunshine.

Get Some Responsibilities : Plants Or A Pet

It’s easy to stay cozy in bed all day when it’s freezing outside and you don’t have any responsibilities to tend to, but staying in bed all day will likely make your depression worse. How do you feel when you realize it’s 5pm and you’re still in your pajamas in bed, not having moved all day except to get food or go to the bathroom? Yeah, usually not great. If you have things to take care of like plants or pets, you’re forced to get yourself out of bed to take care of these living things! And then you know what usually happens? You realize that the plant looks happier when you give it the nutrients it needs and the dog jumps for joy when he gets to move his body around outside. And then you realize you’re happier when you do these things, too. So you begin to take care of yourself as well.

Get Out Of The House : Find Events Around Town

If I spend too long in my house, I begin to feel trapped. It’s good to get out and about and there are tons of holiday events you can go to around town if you need to escape your home. Check out Facebook events for things going on around town or join a group on Meetup.com to make new friends and/or try new activities.

Get Social : Invite Friends Over For Cozy Nights In

Too many people neglect their social life in the winter months. People really don’t like getting out in the cold, but isolating ourselves from our friends for a whole season is much worse than exposing ourselves to the cold every once in a while. But if you really can’t stand the thought of getting out of the house, make the fun come to you! Plan a board game night, host a wine and paint event with the girls, cook dinner with friends, bake holiday cookies with your neighbors, or throw a holiday party with fancy drinks. Just get some friends over to your house and have yourselves a good old time.

Get A New Hobby : Cooking, Baking, Crafting, Music-Making

‘Tis the season for indoor hobbies! Print out those Pinterest recipes and craft instructions, head to your local grocery and/or craft store, and get to cooking (or crafting). Almost all of my hobbies have been born out of winter boredom and I’m so thankful when winter is in full force because it always reminds me to get back in touch with my creative side. I often neglect my ukulele and crafts throughout the year, but come winter, we reunite with a passion. There’s really nothing like the flow you get into when you’re being creative. Creative flow is also the pinnacle of mindfulness for me. Get into your flow with a new hobby.

Get Therapy : Talking To Someone Can Help

Sometimes you need more than just some stretching and a new hobby to get you out of your funk. Maybe it’s not coping skills you’re lacking… maybe it’s a pain or hurt you haven’t yet dealt with rising back up or a loss you haven’t grieved coming back around. Therapy can help you process through these things and find some healing from your pain. If you’ve never tried it, I’d highly recommend it!

In the Lexington, KY area and interested in starting therapy? Book an appointment with me! Not in the Lexington area but wanting to start therapy and not sure where to look? Check out my blog post on how to choose a therapist

Why Should I Go To Therapy? Benefits Of Therapy

The Destigmatization of Therapy

It’s a really cool time to be a therapist. People are excited about therapy and not afraid to let others know about it. Instead of therapy being seen as this thing that ‘only crazy people do’, therapy is now this thing that all kinds of people do and find value in. I’m loving it and so appreciative of everyone helping to destigmatize therapy! To those of you who aren’t on board yet, I want to talk about some of the reasons why I personally love therapy and how I find it to be beneficial in my own life (yes, therapists have therapists, too!).

Benefits of Therapy

Therapy offers a space without judgment

Ever wanted to tell someone about the feelings you had after that threesome or your shifting views on religion or those resentments against your parents that have been popping up? It’s hard to know how your mom or significant other or friends might respond to these things, but it’s your therapist’s job to respond without judgment. And with as many stories as they’ve heard in the therapy room, your desires, impulses, and feelings are more than likely not outrageous or crazy or judgment worthy to them like you think they are. 

Therapy makes you feel normal

Therapists have a way of normalizing everything. It’s almost annoying sometimes. Sometimes you want to feel special or bad or wild and your therapist will tell you, “nah girl, I see this all the time.” Therapists are privileged to lots of different stories that the average person isn’t privileged to. They know how normal it is to resent your parents or cheat on your significant other or use illicit substances; they won’t be surprised by your story.
*If you like feeling special, therapy isn’t for you

Therapy gives you space to sort things out with an unbiased observer/facilitator

If you talk to your friends and family about some of the things you talk about in therapy, chances are, they will have an opinion about what you should do or how you should act (and they will make this opinion known). This makes sense because they are directly affected by some of the decisions you make. The great thing about therapists is that they don’t really benefit from trying to sway you in a certain way like those close to you may, so it’s easier for them to have an unbiased opinion on the situation. Also, most therapists will keep their opinions to themselves unless directly asked (and then maybe they’ll share what they think with you *if they think it will be helpful). Sometimes a space to process without interruptions or unsolicited advice is all you need.

Therapy helps you grow in self-awareness

You realize you’ve been perpetuating patterns of thinking and behaving because of beliefs you developed in childhood (or adulthood). You no longer say, “this is just the way I am” because for the first time, you recognize that you have a hand in choosing. You learn that you can believe differently and you can choose differently, which allows you to begin taking action towards change.

Therapy can help you get unstuck or think about things from a different perspective

With the self-awareness you gain in therapy, you begin to think about things differently. You begin to see that the hurt others have caused you came from a place of pain within them. You empathize with others as you recognize that we’re all doing the best we can with the tools we’ve got. You develop compassion for yourself as you acknowledge that you learned your behavior from others who were hurt and in pain. But, you recognize that you don’t have to continue the cycle of hurt. You see the alternatives you have and acknowledge that you have a choice in continuing a harmful pattern that leads to more pain or beginning a new pattern that leads to life.

Therapy is a place you can feel seen and heard

No interruptions. No one-upping. No fighting for space to speak. A place to share your true thoughts, desires, hopes and dreams. To have these things validated and honored. A place to share your deepest pains, fears, and worries. To have these things acknowledged and held. It’s a beautiful space full of wonderful possibility.

Interested in therapy?

I’m constantly overwhelmed by the work my clients do in and out of the therapy room and I’m totally inspired by the freedom, joy, and authenticity they gain through our work together. If you’re interested in seeing how therapy could open you up to new possibilities, schedule a first session with me! If finances are an issue, contact me and I’ll see if we can work something out. There’s no reason to hold off on finding more freedom, joy, and authenticity in life; do it today!

How Does Trauma Affect a Person? Anxiety, Depression, Addiction, Eating Disorders

What Is Trauma?

As part of an initial intake at my old job, I was required to ask new clients if they had undergone any kind of trauma in their lifetime. After doing these intakes over and over again, I realized that people don’t really know what trauma is and they don’t really understand how deeply their trauma has affected them. I believe trauma is at the root of most mental health issues, so today I’ll be talking about what trauma is and how it manifests in our lives post-trauma.  

I’m sure there are tons of working definitions for trauma out there, but for today’s purposes:

Trauma is any kind of event or experience that is significantly physically or emotionally threatening or harmful.

This could include a lot of different experiences, including (but not limited to):

• Birth (both the act of giving birth and the event of being birthed)

• A medical procedure or surgery

• A divorce (for adults or for the children of the adults)

• Loss (of a job, pet, family member or friend)

• Violence (witnessing violence or being violated)

• Miscarriage

• Sexual assault

• Childhood neglect or abuse

• Psychological manipulation or coercion (through cults or religions)

• Being bullied by peers

• Being shamed by authority figures

I could go on and on, but the point is that trauma encompasses so much more than just physical or sexual abuse (which is what we usually focus on). You may not feel your dog’s death counts as a trauma, but if it significantly shook you and caused you to feel negatively about your ability to care for another living being to the point that the thought of having kids now terrifies you because if you can’t take care of a dog you sure as hell can’t take care of a kid… I would consider that a trauma. Just because something might not look like a trauma on the surface, doesn’t mean it’s not a trauma. If an event or experience in the past is causing you to act in defense and out of fear in the present, you may be acting out of a trauma.

What does it look like to be acting out of a trauma?

Anxiety as a manifestation of trauma

Anxiety is a message our body sends us to alert us about a potential threat in our environment. Anxiety says, “PAY ATTENTION, YOUR LIFE MIGHT BE AT STAKE!” When we are exposed to life-threatening situations, our body remembers this. It notes: almost got attacked (or did get attacked) while walking through sketchy neighborhood at night, will remember to avoid similar situations in the future in order to stay alive. Whatever stimuli you were exposed to in your near-death situation can then be determined by your body as potentially threatening. So in turn, that neighborhood, the smells and sounds of the night, the clothing of the attacker, etc. can be stored away in your emotional memory as potentially dangerous and worthy of an anxiety response if encountered again. This is your body trying to protect you from future threats. The problem comes when we’re exposed to life-threatening situations often. I’m sure you can imagine if you have lots of situations like these, your body will begin to believe there is threat everywhere and respond appropriately with anxiety. This may result in feeling anxious when exposed to seemingly benign stimuli such as certain materials of clothing or certain smells. These things may alert us to a real threat, but oftentimes they just happen to be a random part of the trauma scenario you endured that actually isn’t a very good predictor of threat. If it snowed on the day you were nearly shot by a mass shooter, it doesn’t mean that snow is a good predictor of threat, but your body may respond to it in such a way because of the way it is stored in your emotional memory. Enough of these memories and we will begin to see threat (and experience anxiety) everywhere.

Depression as a manifestation of trauma

Depression is also a message from our body and it says, “something’s not right here; something needs to change.” It’s an adaptive message that’s supposed to help us get to a better environment where we can thrive, but sometimes we feel helpless in our ability to do anything but accept our crumby circumstances. When we have been traumatized in any way, we feel powerless. When we have been traumatized repeatedly, this feeling is incredibly exacerbated. If you are constantly being put in situations where you are powerless, you will begin to believe that your power is small or non-existent. You will learn to accept this fact and accept your situation as it is, miserable as it may be. Believing you are powerless to change your situation renders you stuck in your depression until you gain an ounce of strength or belief in your strength to make change.

Disassociation as a manifestation of trauma

Traumatic experiences are obviously not fun, which sometimes causes people to do whatever they can to avoid thinking about them ever again. This can result in disassociation, where people become detached from themselves as a measure of protection. Children who experience chronic trauma often learn to separate from themselves during the trauma as they have no means of escape and this is often the only way they can get through the trauma. They pretend like they’re elsewhere to blunt the effects of the horrible thing they’re going through. They may be able to fully return to the person who was traumatized after the trauma is over and they believe they are safe again, but they also may go back and forth between that person and the person they disassociated to as a way to escape the memories of the trauma and return to the safety of the person who was never traumatized in the first place.

Addiction as a manifestation of trauma

Another way we see people escape the memories of a trauma is through addiction.  Drugs, sex, alcohol, work, exercise, social media, etc. can all act as a method of escape. They help get your mind off the traumatic memories and numb you from the pain temporarily. They are a safe, predictable place of comfort in a world riddled by trauma and chaos. 

Eating Disorders as a manifestation of trauma

For those who are more apt to take action and work towards changing their situation or environment, we may see eating disorders develop. Binge-eating disorder can often be a result of sexual trauma as it is theorized that the individual is unconsciously trying to make themselves less desirable and therefore more protected from another sexual assault. Anorexia and bulimia can develop in individuals who have undergone emotional trauma or bullying in an effort to make themselves smaller (maybe even invisible?) so as to not be a target for further trauma.

We’ve all experienced trauma

Trauma happens to all of us and it affects all of us differently. Your trauma may manifest in big ways or it may manifest in small ways. You may have the resources and strength to deal with your past trauma and find adaptive strategies to thrive or you may just be barely hanging on with the maladaptive coping strategies you’ve developed over the years. Wherever you’re at, I feel you. This world is harsh and none of us get through unscathed. If you’re barely hanging on, find someone to talk to or schedule an appointment with me! Nobody’s meant to go through it alone.

The Case For Polyamory : Dispelling Myths About Open Relationships

Polyamory means ‘many loves’

Polyamory is a relationship structure that involves consensual non-monogamy. People who engage in polyamory acknowledge that it is possible to have many loves at once and that the love of one does not necessarily take away from the love of another. This counters the mono-normative culture we live in that encourages one romantic or sexual partner at a time. 

Polyamory can take many forms

I’ve talked to people who assume that all polyamorous people are super kinky or highly interested in sex, which isn’t always true and is sometimes far from the truth. Some people do choose a polyamorous relationship structure to enjoy more sexual freedom, which is wonderful, but there are other reasons people choose this structure as well. Some people find their way to polyamory through an intellectual journey that leads them to question the monogamous structure. Other people choose polyamory as a way of relieving themselves of the pressure of meeting their partner(s) needs (sexually or otherwise), especially when there is desire discrepancy or one partner identifies as asexual. 

Monogamy hasn’t always been the norm

There are a lot of theories as to why monogamy is currently the norm in our society and I believe it’s a mixture of social, political, and cultural influences. Before monogamy, there was community. You contributed to your community in whatever way you could, and in return, you got to share in the bounty of your community. If your community was thriving, so were you. If it was struggling, you were also. Things took a turn when some people decided that they wanted to pursue security over community. They realized that if they could claim property and children, they could have their own workforce profiting only them. Securing a fertile, monogamous mate could likely lead you to securing more resources for yourself as you put your children to work earning for the smaller family unit rather than the community. 

Monogamy can help us feel more secure

Since the destruction of the community, it can feel like monogamy is all we have to find security in anymore. It’s better to have one person we can partner up with and who will promise to help us out when we need it than to have none. We cling to monogamy because we need to feel like someone is on our team through thick and thin. 

Monogamy can feel like a lot of pressure 

Then there’s this weird idea in our society that the person we are romantically involved with is supposed to be everything for us. They’re supposed to meet our emotional, physical, spiritual, and intellectual needs. We shouldn’t have to go anywhere else for these things, especially not for our physical needs. But you would never expect one friend to meet all of your needs for you, would you?! You recognize that some friends stimulate you intellectually and others stimulate you emotionally and you know that it’s wonderful you have more than one friend for this reason. 

Polyamory encourages return to community 

People who are polyamorous don’t believe that there is someone out there who completes them or who is their ‘other half’; they believe that their life is enriched by exploring relationships and learning with many people. They trust that the giving of love will multiply love for everyone rather than take away love from one. They give their partners freedom to explore connections so that they can have as much joy and intimacy in their life as possible. 

Polyamory may lead to:

-more freedom in the way you love others

-more friends/lovers/support 

-less pressure to be the sole support for your partner(s)

-feeling more loved by your partner(s) as you see that they want you to be happy and feel loved even if it brings up insecurities and challenging feelings for them

-more self-reflection and challenging of the status quo as you find that a partner sharing love with another does not take away from the love that you have with them (as society has taught you to believe)

Polyamory takes a lot of work and a lot of unlearning 

Monogamy works for some people (most likely people with great support from a community). And polyamory works for other people. Both of these relationship structures have their own benefits and challenges and ultimately you are the only person that can decide what’s best for you. I am an advocate for less judgment around ‘alternative relationship structures’ as I feel we should always encourage more love in the world. Opening up a relationship requires a lot of trust and communication, so I would not recommend it to everyone. It can be hard work to challenge some of the beliefs that we have around what a relationship should look like and can be difficult to navigate the jealousy and possessiveness that can come up when practicing consensual non-monogamy. This process can be made easier by talking to other poly people about their experiences or by working with a therapist who is knowledgeable about polyamory.

Considering opening up your relationship? Or just feeling unhappy about your current relationship setup? Schedule an appointment with me to talk things out and explore the best way to proceed with your relationship. 

You Deserve To Take Up Space Whether You're _____ (Funny, Smart, Pretty, Nice) Or Not

Self-Worth: Knowing that you don’t need to earn your space

Lately I’ve been working with some amazing people who have this belief that they must earn their space in this world. They must be funny, smart, beautiful, interesting, or attached to a man to be deserving of space. They feel they’re not inherently worthy of taking up space. But if they do enough for those around them, maybe they will be allowed space. Or if they provide enough entertainment/value/wisdom, maybe they will be given space. Or if they attach themselves to someone else, maybe they can take up a small part of their space. I want to let you know right now: YOU DESERVE TO TAKE UP SPACE. No matter how funny, interesting, or smart you are or aren’t. No matter who you’re attached to. No matter what anybody else says. You do not need to earn your space.  

Self-worth: Knowing that you are good just the way you are

So, where does this belief come from? I assume it’s from the many years of being told (directly or indirectly) we’re not right, we’re not good, or we’re not enough if we don’t follow these rules [of society]. In childhood, we’re often told to suppress certain behaviors, thoughts, or feelings because they’re not acceptable to our family unit or society in general. 

Self-worth: Knowing that we don’t have to follow society’s rules

Reject the rules that say don’t talk like that because the ideas and language you’re using are unacceptable and will make people think poorly of you (and possibly result in rejection). Don’t pleasure yourself because exploring your sexuality and seeking pleasure (or space for yourself in this world) is morally wrong. Don’t eat that food because it will cause you to take up more space physically in this world, which is seen as undisciplined and greedy (therefore bad).

Self-worth: Knowing you are wholly worthy of being seen

For a child, these messages often translate into ‘certain parts of me or certain desires/passions of mine are unacceptable or unworthy of being seen.’  We as a society teach our young that certain desires, passions, identities, and interests should be avoided or hidden in order to be accepted into society. If we hide these parts of ourselves, we don’t feel totally free (and that’s a shame). But if we show them, we risk being rejected, told that we don’t belong, and feeling that we must earn our space back by following the rules more closely.

Choose freedom over confinement

If you feel at odds with yourself because you want to show more of your true self to the world but feel that this will lead to rejection, please choose the possibility of rejection over the confinement of society’s rules. You deserve to take up space simply because you exist. If someone has told you otherwise, maybe they’re trying to inhabit a space they shouldn’t be in or maybe you need to move your space elsewhere. There is space for you in this world, but maybe you just haven’t found where that space is yet. Keep looking! 

You Don’t Have To Follow Social Norms : The Guide To Breaking All The Rules

Why do we deprive ourselves of things we love?

I was talking to my dad on the phone the other day and asking him what kind of cake he’d like for his birthday. He said, “I’m trying to stay away from sweets right now.” There was one point in my life where I would have nodded my head with understanding but now the statement appalls me and makes me so sad. You’re trying to stay away from something you like? Why!?

What rules do you have for yourself?

What rules have you adopted for society’s sake? A few rules I used to have for myself to keep my body size acceptable for society were 1) work out at least 5 times a week 2) don’t eat gluten 3) restrict sweets. I wasn’t doing these things for health reasons- it was almost entirely for aesthetics. Didn’t work and made me miserable, but that’s a different story for another time.

We all follow rules or norms for the purpose of being acceptable to society

We may not follow these rules consciously with awareness, but we get messages from society about how to act and present ourselves all the time and it’s impossible to rage against the machine and avoid assimilating 100% of the time. So I would ask yourself what rules do you follow for the purpose of being accepted in to our current day society? Maybe your rules have been adopted to fit into your religious community or your work environment or your family unit. Maybe they’re rules you’ve adopted from your parents or picked up from friends. It doesn’t really matter where they’ve come from, but it does matter how they’re serving you. And if they’re not serving you, you need to throw them in the garbage.

How are society’s rules serving you?

If it doesn’t serve you to deprive yourself of sex until marriage, have sex before marriage. If it doesn’t serve you to exercise every day, take time for rest. If it doesn’t serve you to be in a monogamous relationship, look into consensual nonmonogamy. If it doesn’t serve you to spend time with family members that are toxic, cut them out of your life. If it doesn’t serve you to pretend you agree with the beliefs of your friends or coworkers, tell them your own beliefs and see what happens. If something isn’t serving you, you’re going to remain frustrated and miserable until you put an end to it. Accept that people may not accept you if you go against the grain. But with this, recognize that 1) the tribe you want around you will accept you and 2) you will be able to accept yourself more when you start to practice behaviors that serve you. When you aren’t going against the things you believe or hiding who you are and what you feel, you surprisingly feel a lot better about yourself.

What do you value according to the rules you follow?

If you follow rules that require you to 1) do things you don’t like doing or that feel bad to you and/or 2) avoid doing things you like doing or that feel good to you, ask yourself why. Why do you deprive yourself of things you like? Why do you force yourself to do things you don’t like? Obviously because of a value you hold. So why do you value that thing or that opinion or that belief? If your reason for depriving yourself of sweets and delicious food is so that you can try to maintain a certain body weight so that people will find you attractive and want to be with you, what are you saying you value? Shallow relationships? If your love language is touch but you deprive yourself of sex before marriage because a book that you value and a community you cherish recommended it, what does that mean you value? The wisdom of others rather than your own wisdom? If you disagree with the opinions of others but choose to not have discussion around your disagreements out of fear of ruffling feathers, what are you valuing there? Social approval and acceptance?

Rejecting social norms can result in social rejection

Okay, I know it’s not easy to let go of all the rules because it oftentimes does come with the price of social rejection.  I understand the reality of this, which is why I still find myself hanging on to rules that don’t serve me. I think the first step to letting go of these rules is just naming them and calling them out. I would encourage you to make a list of your rules so that you can begin exploring why you follow them. And then experiment with breaking them. 

Rejecting social norms can help you find your tribe

There are tons of amazing humans out there that will accept you for whatever way you want to express yourself or show yourself to the world. Beginning to reject status quo and make your own rules can help you find these people. When we allow ourselves to be free, others are often more attracted to us anyways. And they yearn to find some of that freedom for themselves.

To show you my humanity, here’s a list of rules I’ve been struggling with lately: 

-Avoid speaking your opinion on _______ (race, gender, politics, religion, monogamy) in mixed company so as to avoid being labeled an extreme liberal or crazy feminist

-Don’t discuss the newfound freedom you’ve found since leaving Christianity with anyone remotely Christian so you can avoid being looked at as a sinner that needs to be saved

-Avoid showing tattoos in professional spaces so as not to be seen as unprofessional

-Don’t talk about your thoughts on why masturbation and polyamory should be celebrated in order to avoid people discounting you entirely for your ‘radical ideas’

Start breaking society’s rules and share the freedom with a friend!

Sharing my rules with others often helps me realize that I’m not alone in feeling the way I do and gives me the support and encouragement I need to start breaking my rules. Make your list and share it with a trusted friend. See how they react. If you don’t have a trusted friend, make an appointment with a therapist that provides a judgment free zone for you to process things like this! 

Why Don’t You Take Insurance? I Don’t Want To Diagnose / Pathologize Your Coping Skills

Insurance companies will not pay for your therapy without a diagnosis

I get a lot of questions about why I don’t take insurance and wanted to write this post to help people understand. The short of it is this: I’m not taking insurance because I don’t want to diagnose people with arbitrary ‘disorders’ that will affect the way they view themselves and the way they move forward in life. The long of it?

The term abnormal is arbitrary

We label something abnormal based on the cultural norms and context it’s within. What’s abnormal in one culture, point in time, or context is normal in another. In the context of religion, hearing a voice could be a message from God; outside the church it’s schizophrenia. In a culture where food is scarce, eating uncontrollably when you have the opportunity to do so is seen as a survival skill; when food is plentiful, it could be considered binge-eating disorder. In one point in time, being gay was considered a disorder of pathology. Diagnosing is just a way of categorizing behavior outside the norm as disordered.

We often learn ‘disordered’ behaviors in response to trauma

Most ‘abnormal behavior’ is an adaptation to fucked up shit. It’s a way of coping with brokenness and pain. You may turn to an addiction as a way of escaping painful memories of past abuse. You may disassociate from your body during and after a trauma in order to protect yourself from fully experiencing the trauma. You may experience extreme anxiety as a response to constantly being in situations where your life was at risk or threatened. You may experience crippling depression because you learned in your childhood that nothing you do can get you out of the shitty situation you’re in so you might as well stop trying.

Our bodies try to protect us from further trauma by sending us messages

Anxiety and depression are messages, not disorders. Anxiety is a normal reaction to a fearful situation. Depression is a normal reaction to an upsetting situation. If you are constantly being put in or putting yourself in fearful situations, you will feel more anxiety. If you are constantly being put in or putting yourself in upsetting situations, you will feel more depression. This is not disordered, this is your body sending you a message to get out of that situation!

I want to honor your capacity for survival

If I give you a diagnosis of pathology for the behavior you’re engaging in that’s helped you cope with your trauma or pain, then I don't feel I’m truly honoring your amazing capacity for survival. If I say that your extreme feeling of anxiety or depression are disordered, I feel like I’m discounting the wisdom of your body. Your ‘disordered’ or ‘abnormal’ behavior has come about as a means of survival. I don’t want to pathologize it. If I pathologize your behaviors or bodily sensations, you are likely to pathologize them as well. You’re likely to say that the way you act or feel is wrong or bad, which may make you feel like you are wrong or bad. This will make it hard for you to see the amazing ways these behaviors and/or sensations were trying to serve you. And if you can’t see the amazing capacity you have for survival, you may never address the underlying reasons for why you adapted these survival mechanisms in the first place. You may just stay stuck in thinking you’re wrong or bad for the way you’re getting through life.

Your coping skills are not disordered

I don’t think people are wrong or bad for their survival mechanisms. I don’t want to call coping skills disordered. I don’t want to put you in a box based on an arbitrary diagnosis. Also, insurance is super corrupt and I really just don’t want to be a part of that whole system. So that’s why I don’t take insurance; I hope you understand. There are a lot of wonderful therapists out there who do and I am so thrilled that they are providing people access to care who wouldn’t be able to afford it otherwise. I just know that it doesn’t feel right in my soul to diagnose and I’m determined to conduct my work in a way that feels right in my soul.

Any more questions? Contact me and I’d be more than happy to answer them!

How To Talk To Your Child About Sexual Abuse (And Not Further Traumatize Them If It's Already Happened)

Be clear and direct with your language

When you talk to children, you have to be very clear and direct with your language because things can easily be miscommunicated or misinterpreted if you’re not careful. When you’re talking about something as sensitive as sexual abuse or sexual encounters, this is especially important. Kids don’t know the rules of the world- we’re the ones that teach them how things work, so we have to be clear and give them examples of what’s okay and what’s not okay to keep them safe.

Differentiate between appropriate and inappropriate touch

Talk to your kids about their bodies. Help them understand that certain parts of their bodies are private and that this is to keep them safe. Discuss what kind of touch is appropriate and what kind of touch is inappropriate for them (note: it is perfectly normal/okay for a child to explore their own body and touch themselves in ways that feel good to them- please don’t shame them for this!) Explain to them that not everybody will respect their privacy, but no matter what, they are entitled to it. Let them know that they do not need to do anything that makes them feel uncomfortable, even if someone is telling them it’s okay. Emphasize that it’s okay to say no to adults in situations that make them feel uncomfortable.

Don’t force your child to hug/kiss/touch anyone

Yes, even family members. If it makes a kid uncomfortable to kiss grandma, don’t make them! You need to encourage their autonomy to choose how they touch others and let them know that it’s okay to not allow touch or initiate touch if they don’t want to! Help them understand that it’s good to have boundaries with their body and make sure that they also understand it’s important to respect other people’s boundaries with their bodies, as well.

Teach them about manipulation

Talk to them about the kinds of things people might say to them to manipulate them into allowing a violation of their privacy. “Nobody will know”, “it’ll feel good”, “you’ll do it if you love me”, “I’ll hurt your mom if you don’t”, etc. Explain to them that this is manipulation, they have every right to say no to their requests, and they should immediately tell you about it if someone says something like this! Let them know that even if this person told them to keep the request or violation secret, they should tell you about it because you need to know this kind of information to keep them safe. Let them know that they will not be in trouble if they tell you about a violation and speaking up will allow you as the parent to prevent them from being put into that situation again.

Be sensitive with your language around touch and sexual encounters

People who have undergone sexual abuse have lots of feelings about the sexual abuse they've undergone. They may feel angry, sad, frustrated, confused, guilty, shameful, scared, or a combination of all of these. These feelings are super tough to navigate, but you can support your child by giving them a non-judgmental space to talk about what has happened to them. What happens after a trauma is very important in shaping a person's feelings and beliefs about the trauma, which is why it’s so important to be aware of the kind of language you are using with children around these topics (especially since you don’t know whether or not a child has been sexually abused- don’t just assume that they haven’t!).

Avoid phrases such as "it's bad when people touch you here"

Or "we don't let people touch us in these places" or anything else that a child could interpret as "I'm bad because of a sexual experience I had." I know you're trying to communicate to them that certain touching is inappropriate, but if they have had any kind of sexual encounters, these kind of phrases can cause children to believe that they are bad for allowing the experience to happen or not doing more to stop it. Children may be coerced or manipulated into consenting to whatever is happening and because they didn't fight it, they can hold on to beliefs that they are bad because they didn't do more to stop it. If not addressed, these beliefs can go on to affect them in the future and cause them to have issues with intimacy and sexual pleasure, among other things. Let them know that whatever happened is not their fault, even if the perpetrator told them that it was.

Unpacking childhood sexual trauma can be rough

But it can also be extremely healing and transformative. If you’re struggling with your own issues due to childhood sexual trauma or trying to support a child who has undergone sexual trauma, schedule a counseling appointment with me to sort some of this out.

Relax and Release Tension : 15 Minute Body Scan

Mindfulness practice: body scan

I’ve mentioned body scans before in my blog posts but I haven’t found any guided body scans that I LOVE, so I decided to make my own! The body scan is great when you’re feeling disconnected from your body and just generally distracted or frazzled. It helps you connect back to the pure sensations in your body to calm you down and help you figure out what your body really needs or is feeling in the moment. Great for eating disorders as you get connected back to your hunger and fullness cues, great for anxiety as you come back to the present moment and calm yourself, great for insomnia as it can help you get to a place of relaxation... Anyways, I love body scans and I hope you do, too!

How You Can Improve Your Body Image : Body Positivity | Health At Every Size

How can you improve your body image?

I know we’ve all been taught to believe that losing weight or achieving a thin figure will help us to FINALLY love our bodies… but it won’t. Loving our bodies is an action we choose and if restricting and shaming our bodies are the actions we’re choosing, we are not loving our bodies. The thin ideal our culture promotes is an unhealthy, unrealistic body size that pits us against our own bodies. Just like it feels good to have a little extra money in savings in case of emergency, our bodies like to have a little extra energy (or fat) stored away in case of emergency (famine). Our bodies have learned to do this to keep us alive and this is a biological advantage.

People are profiting off your belief that your body is not good the way it is

But culture wants us to believe that thin is good, thin is healthy, and thin is beautiful. It hasn’t always been this way, though! Throughout most of history, larger bodies have been considered more desirable than thinner ones. In some cultures today, larger bodies are still more desirable than thinner bodies. Linda Bacon, author of Health at Every Size, says, “beauty standards reflect the political and economic interests of the times” and goes on to talk about how thin women were sold pills, creams, and potions that were supposed to help them get fatter in the early 1900s. Whatever can flip a profit is in. And you better believe that people are profiting big time off of your insecurities around your body (food companies, weight loss industry, pharmaceutical companies, health professionals, etc.).

Extra fat on your body doesn’t mean you’re unhealthy

But what about health?! I know we’ve all come to believe that we can determine someone’s health and their health habits by looking at them, but it just isn’t true! We know that there are thin people who are super unhealthy and larger people who don’t have any health issues, so why do we still latch on to the idea that weight = health? Probably because it makes us feel like we’re in control, but PLEASE READ HEALTH AT EVERY SIZE so you can understand that this simply isn’t true. Too little fat on your body is much more dangerous and unhealthy than too much. And BMI standards were set by people who receive funding from companies like Weight Watchers who are making a profit off of you thinking you’re unhealthy and need to lose weight!!

Improve body image by listening to your body

Okay, I think you get how angry I am about the diet and weight loss industry tricking us into hating our bodies and believing that we need to change them in the name of health. And I hope you’re angry, too. You don’t need to change your body. You need to change the way you feel about your body. Your body works hard for you and it’s about time you show it some appreciation. It needs love to thrive and your struggle against it and hatred of it is not conducive to it’s thriving. Listen to it and work with it. If it tells you it needs food, you need to give it food. If it tells you it need rest, give it rest. If it tells you to move, move joyfully.

Our bodies tell us what they need but oftentimes we think we know best (or culture knows best) so we try to override or ignore our bodies’ messages. We make rules for food or exercise or sleep or whatever else because we don’t trust our bodies. I know I’m sore, but I’ve got to get this workout in. I know I’m still hungry, but I’ve already had 2000 calories today. I know I’m tired, but I don’t have time to rest. Your body is wise and you do it a great disservice when you assume you know better about it’s needs than it does. It’s needs are constantly changing day to day and the only way to know exactly what it needs today is to listen to it!

Improve body image by showing love to your body

Start to love your body by listening to it. Start to love your body by giving it what it needs. Stop killing yourself at the gym and starving yourself at the dinner table. Loving your body isn’t all about loving the way it looks. You may never love the way it looks. But you can love the way it feels and the way you feel in it. You can love it for what it does for you, how it enables you to experience amazing things, and for the way it fights to keep you alive.

Your body is deserving of love no matter what size it is. Stop struggling against it and trust that it knows best when it comes to what it needs. Practice eating nutritiously, joyfully moving, and resting when your body tells you to for the sake of health. Stop trying to lose weight in the name of health. Acknowledge what’s under your fear of gaining weight or being in a larger body. Remember that you are worthy regardless of what size or shape your body is currently taking.

Read Health at Every Size or book an appointment with me to dive further in to your body image issues.

What Causes Addiction? And How To Heal

What image comes to mind for you when you think about addiction? A guy shooting up heroin in a public bathroom? A teenager home alone drinking himself into oblivion? A girl buying twenty makeup palettes in one day? A couple binge-watching Netflix for eight hours? A kid eating a whole box of girl scout cookies in one sitting? Addiction comes in many shapes and sizes and my hope at the end of this post is that you will better understand what addiction is and why it’s so prevalent in our society. I don’t think there are any simple answers to these kinds of questions, but I do think the source of our addiction issue lies within our culture. We live in a world we sometimes want to escape and a society we sometimes need a break from. 

Addiction as a result of societal pressures

We are fed messages daily that tell us: 

• We need to look a certain way to be loved

• We need to act a certain way to be well-received 

• We need to have a romantic partner, a thriving career, and babies by a certain age to be successful

• We need to conform to our gender roles, obey societal norms, and be the person our culture is comfortable with to be accepted

The expectations of our society are unrealistic and THEY’RE DRIVING US MAD. We aren’t robots without unique thoughts or opinions or desires. If we pay attention to our body and our mind, we’ll know what we need and we’ll know what we’re lacking. Our bodies send us distress signals when they’re not getting what they need. We feel bad physically when we’re not properly addressing the needs of our body and we feel bad mentally when we’re not properly addressing the needs of our mind. But instead of listening to our inner wisdom, we often listen to society’s messages about what we need. We strive to meet society’s expectations thinking that’s what’s going to make us happy, well-loved, and fulfilled, but find that no matter how well we meet society’s expectations, we’re still stuck with feelings of unhappiness, loneliness, and meaninglessness. 

Addiction as a way to numb pain

Between the stress of making ends meet financially in our not so great economy, keeping up with the trends in our ever-changing culture, staying in shape in the land of fast food and comfort snacks, maintaining healthy relationships in a world of disconnection, and trying to find meaning and purpose in a life we’re unhappy with, it’s near impossible to not want to escape sometimes. Couple all this stress with the fact most of us have been traumatized in some way by this world (and the people in it) and are doing our best to cope with the hurt without continuing the cycle of hurt. If you numb your pain in some way, I COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND (I do it, too). It’s really, incredibly difficult to not turn to something to numb your pain or help you escape sometimes.

As humans, we naturally seek to gain pleasure and avoid pain. Nobody wants to feel bad physically or mentally, so we find ways of avoiding our pain by numbing or distracting ourselves. Although this kind of relief is only temporary, we can easily become reliant upon these pain-numbing, pleasure-seeking behaviors as we find that we can always count on them to give us an escape from reality, if only for a minute or two. Addictions are always born out of pain and are the best way many of us know how to deal with our pain. Most of us haven’t been taught how to deal with pain in a healthy way; we learn how to cope by observing how those around us cope. Unfortunately, most people cope with pain by numbing and distracting, so naturally, these are the behaviors we adopt as well.

What is addiction?

Addiction is a cultural disease that we're all predisposed to by being in this world and I believe everyone has engaged an addiction of some sort to some degree at some point in their life. So what exactly constitutes an addiction, you ask? An addiction (in my opinion) is a behavior or thought pattern that you engage in because it brings you pleasure or relief from pain temporarily but comes with negative consequences that get in the way of long-term personal goals and growth. Addictions often dominate our thoughts and are difficult for us to give up. We engage in addictions because they feel good in the moment. We aren't thinking about the future and how it will affect our long-term goals. We're thinking about how to escape the pain we're feeling right now. So we drink or use drugs or go shopping or eat food or have sex or work or exercise or scroll through social media or whatever makes us feel good in the moment to sedate the pain.

The problem? Pleasure never truly satisfies

There's nothing wrong with feeling good and I think it can be perfectly healthy to engage in any of the behaviors listed above in moderation, but when these behaviors become obsessions that hinder our growth and get in the way of our goals, we've got a problem. We will never find true satisfaction from our addictions. Do you ever wonder why you still can't stop after the tenth cookie in the package? Or why you're out shopping for another bathing suit when you already have twelve in your closet? Or why you're having sex with the fourth guy this week and you’re still not satisfied? IT’S BECAUSE PLEASURE NEVER TRULY SATISFIES. Physician and addiction specialist Gabor Maté says, "The reason we do anything one more time is because the last time didn’t really satisfy us deeply."

If we constantly seek things outside ourselves to satisfy our yearning for relief, we will never find relief. Gabor Maté wrote a book called In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts: Close Encounters with Addiction and it’s by far the most helpful book I’ve ever read about addiction. He sums up what I’m trying to say here with this quote: “The sparser the innate joy that springs from being alive, the more fervently we seek joy’s pale substitute, pleasure.” We will continue to obsessively seek pleasure until we find real joy within. We will continue to numb and distract ourselves in an attempt to escape reality until we can come to terms with and accept reality as it is. Resisting reality has never worked for us and will never work for us. We must accept the world as it is and accept ourselves as we are in order to find any kind of peace in this life. We’re not perfect and the world isn’t perfect, but numbing ourselves from this reality will never work for us in the long run.

The answer? Confronting your pain to work towards healing and joy

I want to end by saying your addiction is no better than anyone else’s and your pain is no less significant than anyone else’s. The person struggling with a heroin addiction is no better or worse of a person than the person struggling with a sexual addiction or a food addiction or a shopping addiction. We all have pain and we all deal with pain the best way we know how. What we choose to numb the pain with is largely a product of our environment. If you had drugs in your environment growing up and that’s what you found pleasurable, you will likely turn to drugs for comfort and relief now as this is how you learned to cope with your pain and discomfort. Maybe you didn’t have drugs… maybe it was food or money or video games or television that was at your disposal. Whatever pain relief is available to us is the pain relief we will choose. Some of our addictions have greater stigma and consequences because society has decided they are inherently wrong (esp. drugs) and some of our addictions seem inconsequential (work, exercise, food) because they are glorified in our society. Regardless of how society views your addiction, if you can recognize that you’re numbing and distracting yourself from pain and discomfort, you must take a serious look within to figure out what’s causing your pain if you ever want to find true healing and inner peace.

In Lexington KY and think you’d be a good candidate for addiction therapy?

Contact me today to inquire about scheduling an appointment to process through your pain and work towards healing!

What Causes Anger and How To Control It : An Alternative Approach To Anger Management

What causes anger? And what does it mean that anger is a secondary emotion?

When you’re angry, it just feels like anger to you. Sometimes it’s hard to notice anything underneath your anger unless you really dig in to your emotions, but anger is an emotion we often resort to secondarily when we’re trying to protect ourselves from feeling a more vulnerable primary emotion such as sadness, fear, or pain. In The Mastery of Love by Don Miguel Ruiz, anger is described as a mask for fear. Anger is fear that: we (or those we love) won’t get what we need, are not safe and secure, are not loved, valued, or respected, and/or will not be included. Anger has a lot to do with expectation. We expect others to treat us and our loved ones fairly, with dignity, and with kindness. When these things don’t happen, we often react in anger because we have been hurt. Anger is an emotional response to an unfulfilled expectation. We want to resist our feelings of pain and we do this by feeling anger instead. Anger is a natural emotion that we can’t avoid, but it doesn’t have to be negative.

Anger can be healthy if it’s in the present.

It’s natural and healthy to respond to an injustice with anger. It’s also natural and healthy to let this anger motivate us to make some kind of change in our lives or in the world. If we can change the situations that are causing us to be angry, we must. If we can’t change the situations, we must change ourselves. It isn’t natural and healthy to allow anger to persist past the present. When we suppress feelings of anger, they often come back up in the future. Dwelling on past hurt and becoming angry about it does us no good, which is why we must lean in to our anger when we experience it so that it doesn’t come back up.

How do we lean in to our anger?

First, we must identify what’s triggering our anger. Easy enough, your spouse made a backhanded comment to you, your boss didn’t give you the raise you were promised, your pharmacy won’t give you the prescription you need. Of course you’re angry about this. The next question is a little harder and will require you to dig a little deeper. Why are you angry? What’s underneath it? Your spouse making a backhanded comment makes you feel hurt and/or afraid that they don’t love you anymore. Your boss not giving you a raise makes you fear that you aren’t valued and respected at work. Your pharmacy not giving you the prescription you need makes you fear that you won’t get what you need to function. It can be difficult to identify what’s underneath your anger, but if you look deep enough, there’s always something there.

Alternative Anger Management : Reality Checking

Now that you’ve identified the other emotions accompanying your anger, it’s important to acknowledge these emotions. Acknowledge the fear or pain you are experiencing and acknowledge how you feel threatened. These feelings are normal! It would be abnormal if you didn’t experience fear in response to being threatened. Acknowledge that your feelings of fear are normal, but then you must take a closer look at these fears. You must ask yourself if your fears are legitimate. Does your spouse really not love you anymore or were they just having a bad day and decide to take their frustration out on you? Does your boss really not value you or have they simply forgotten about your raise because of their busy schedule? Does your pharmacist really want you to suffer or have you failed to get the proper prescription approvals needed for your medicine? When we can reflect in this way and practice awareness around our anger, we are much more likely to think rationally about our anger. If we can think more rationally about our anger, we can respond to our anger more rationally, as well.

Anger is an emotional response to an unfulfilled expectation

Gabor Maté, a physician who specializes in addiction and who I will most definitely talk more about in a future post, says you should “be at least as interested in your reactions as in the person or situation that triggers them.” If we can dig in and explore why we respond with anger to certain people and situations, we can learn a lot about ourselves. When angry, ask yourself what expectation of yours went unmet. You expected your spouse to be kind, your hard work to be recognized by your boss, or for things to go your way at the pharmacy. What expectations do you have for the people around you and the situations you find yourself in?

We know that life isn’t fair and things don’t always go our way, but we still get angry when we feel we haven’t been treated fairly or things haven’t gone our way. So, are our expectations realistic? Can we really expect for people to treat us kindly, fairly, and with respect all the time? Regardless of your answer to this question, it doesn’t change the fact that people won’t always treat you with kindness, fairness, and respect. There will be times where you’re treated unfairly or without respect, so what are you going to do about it? You can choose to get angry and dwell on this anger for an indefinite amount of time OR you can choose to acknowledge the way you feel threatened, ask yourself if your fears are legitimate, and release your expectations for others.

Alternative Anger Management : The Hypothesis of Generosity

Brené Brown talks about the hypothesis of generosity in her book Rising Strong and this hypothesis has significantly changed the way I respond to frustration and anger. With the hypothesis of generosity, you ask yourself: what’s the most generous assumption I can make about this person’s intentions or what they said or did to me? You are much less likely to be angry about the person who cut you off in traffic if you assume they are speeding to the hospital with their pregnant about-to-deliver wife. You are much less likely to be angry about the person who made a rude comment to you at the grocery if you assume they are going through it because they just lost someone they love. You are much less likely to be angry about your friend cancelling plans last-minute if you assume they have overstretched themselves and are making this decision to preserve their mental health because they just have way too much going on. If we can release our unrealistic expectations for others and accept a hypothesis of generosity, we can live much happier lives.

Alternative Anger Management : Choosing to live on the track of love

Don Miguel Ruiz sums all this up in his book The Mastery of Love as he explains how we choose to live our lives either on a track of fear (and scarcity) or a track of love (and abundance)…

“Love has no expectations. Fear is full of expectations. With fear we do things because we expect that we have to and we expect that others are going to do the same. That is why fear hurts and love doesn’t hurt. We expect something and if it doesn’t happen, we feel hurt- it isn’t fair. We blame others for not fulfilling our expectations. When we love, we don’t have expectations; we do it because we want to, and if other people do it or not, it’s because they want to or not and it’s nothing personal.”

The world could be a much better place if we all decided to choose love over fear.

Alternative Anger Management Worksheet (Feel free to share this resource!)

If interested in seeking therapy for anger management in the Lexington, KY area…

Contact me to see if we could be a good fit to work together and address some of the fears that may be holding you back from living a more joyful love-filled life.