What is codependency?
Personal experience has led me to believe that most people have a very loose understanding of codependency. Many people can identify some of the characteristics or behavioral patterns of people who struggle with codependency, but they usually lack awareness around why people adopt these behaviors or what purpose these behaviors are serving for them. There are logical reasons why people engage in codependent behaviors. Understanding these reasons can help those of us who struggle with codependency to see that there are other ways of going about getting our needs met AND can help those of us who don’t struggle with codependency to better support those in our lives who do.
In her book Codependent No More, Melody Beattie gives a pretty all-encompassing definition of codependency. She says, “A codependent person is one who has let another person’s behavior affect them and is obsessed with controlling that person’s behavior.”
Codependency could look like:
The wife of the alcoholic: She stays with her husband through his addiction, sacrificing her own wants and needs to manage his recovery. She grows in resentment with each additional relapse, complaining that he is the source of her problems, but unwilling to leave him.
The man who has no needs: He will drop everything for anyone (even strangers!) He believes it’s selfish to take care of himself, so he always puts his own wants/needs behind everyone else’s. He anticipates others’ needs and is frustrated that others don’t do the same for him. His needs never get met because he is unwilling to ask for help.
The independent child: She grew up with a single mom that emphasized the importance of self-sufficiency. She learned you must do it all on your own because you can’t trust that others will be there to help. She didn’t learn to ask for help, but she did learn to complain, nag, or manipulate to get what she wanted.
Characteristics of codependency:
-You feel responsible for other people and their well-being, feelings, thoughts, actions, wants, and needs.
-You feel anxious, upset, or guilty when other people have a problem and you feel compelled to help them solve their problem.
-You say yes to things you don’t want to do to make others happy and often neglect your own wants/needs in the process.
-You feel more comfortable giving than receiving.
-Though you have difficulty accepting help (and rarely ask for help), you often get frustrated about how infrequently those around you offer help.
-You feel angry, victimized, unappreciated, and used.
-You blame others for these feelings of frustration.
-You get angry and defensive when others blame or criticize you, though you regularly speak to yourself in these same ways.
-You live based on “shoulds”.
-You feel selfish and guilty when you do things for yourself.
-You think poorly of yourself and feel you need to prove your worth to others.
-You settle for being needed by others because you don’t believe you’re wanted.
-You often seek love from people incapable of loving you, which reinforces the idea that you’re unlovable.
-You obsessively worry about what others think about you.
-You center your life around other people.
-You have trouble letting go of control and allowing things to happen naturally.
-You think you know best about how things should turn out and how people should behave.
-You attempt to control or manipulate events or people through helplessness, guilt, coercion, threats, advice-giving, or manipulation.
-You ask for what you want/need indirectly (sighing, huffing/puffing, nagging)
-You let others hurt you and take advantage of you.
-You stay in relationships that are toxic and harmful to you.
Why do people become codependent?
There are many different reasons why people develop codependent tendencies. I can’t cover all the reasons here, but I’ll explain a few that I see often so you can better understand why codependent people are the way they are.
The classic codependent is a person who is very close to someone with an addiction (usually a partner, parent, or child). Oftentimes, they learn that their loved one is unreliable, unavailable, and in need of care. They learn to cater to their loved one’s needs and deny their own. They lose themselves as they begin orbiting their lives around their loved one. They forget their sense of worth and doubt their sense of self. They resent their loved one for taking so much from them but they don’t leave the situation. They’ve put so much into this relationship and it can’t all be for nothing. They didn’t make all those sacrifices in vain! Their loved one will change. They will help change their loved one. Then everything will be better.
Sometimes the above situation happens without an addiction. Substitute the person struggling with an addiction with a person struggling with an eating disorder, a chronic physical ailment, or severe health/mental health issue and you can get the same codependent situation. People in close relationship with those who struggle with these severe health/mental health issues often adopt codependent tendencies in an attempt to care for their loved one through their illness.
We can also learn codependent behaviors in childhood through the way we’re socialized and taught to engage with others. If you grew up in a super religious home, codependent tendencies may have been revered by those around you. You may have been taught it was honorable to put others before yourself and deny your own desires. You may have learned that you don’t turn your back on family and you never leave a marriage. You may have learned that your purpose is to serve others and unconditionally love. These beliefs are not inherently wrong or bad, but they can lead to (and perpetuate) codependent behaviors.
Little girls are often taught to be polite, kind, submissive, and nurturing. They learn that “good girls” do as they’re told and don’t make waves. Maybe they see mom doing this as well (especially in religious homes where women are expected to submit to their husbands). They learn that “good girls” are to be appreciative of what they get and are to not ask for more. Maybe they see dad come home from work to sit on the couch and watch TV while mom comes home from work to tend to the kids, the house, and dinner. Mom never asks for help and doesn’t expect help, but is very appreciative on the rare occasion that dad does offer even the tiniest bit of help. Girls learn to take on the majority of the caretaking responsibilities and the responsibilities around the house because this is seen as “women’s work.” Women who challenge this are often seen as difficult. Good little girls take on all of these responsibilities and do them dutifully as they’ve been taught.
Little boys are often taught to be strong and heroic. They learn that there are people who need rescuing and that they can be the hero of these people’s stories. Maybe they see how dad always swoops in to fix or solve problems for everyone around him. He’s known to drop everything to help a friend or person in need; how selfless and admirable! What little boy wouldn’t want to be the hero of the story?
People often learn codependent traits from their parents or other caregivers. If mom nags, complains, or emotionally manipulates to get her needs met or desires fulfilled, you may learn to do that as well. If dad talks about how incapable other people are and how important it is for you to be able to do everything on your own without the help of others, you may learn to do that as well. We learn a lot from our caregivers and it can be very enlightening to reflect on the messages we were taught in our childhood to see how they affect us today.
So, how do I stop engaging in codependent behaviors?
Develop a sense of self-worth: People who lack a strong sense of self-worth are more susceptible to codependent tendencies because they believe others are more worthy of getting their wants/needs met than they are. When you believe you are worthy of getting your wants/needs met, you will stop denying them and start addressing them.
Set boundaries: People with codependent tendencies often have very loose boundaries, if any at all. They may have had boundaries at some point in time, but they have slowly deteriorated as they have learned to put up with more and more poor treatment from those around them. They allow themselves to be taken advantage of by not saying no and always saying yes. Learning to say no is crucial to ending codependent behavior. You must be able to set the boundaries you need to take care of yourself. Other people’s needs are not more important than your needs. It is not your responsibility to take care of other people. It is your responsibility to take care of yourself.
Ask for what you need directly: I know you’ve been taught it’s not okay to ask for what you want or need. You probably cringe at the thought of asking for help. I get it. But the easiest way to get what you want is to ask for it. Directly. Not by huffing and puffing or complaining about how you have so much to do and nobody to help you. This is annoying. And unhelpful. Challenge the beliefs that perpetuate these behaviors. Humble yourself and ask for help. I know it’s hard, but it’s the only way.
Stay in your lane: Stop taking on responsibility for things that aren’t your responsibility. If someone is upset, those are their feelings to deal with. If someone has a problem, that’s their problem to deal with. Challenge your behaviors and ask yourself: Am I really helping others by saving them? Is it helpful to save someone from experiencing the consequences of their behavior? Or will that just enable them to repeat the behavior again? Would it be more helpful for them to experience the consequences so they can learn to not engage in that behavior again? Sometimes rescuing people is more harmful than it is helpful.
As someone who has struggled with codependency in the past, I know how difficult it can be to squash these behaviors. The beliefs that perpetuate these behaviors can be deeply ingrained. I’d recommend finding a therapist to help you examine these beliefs so that you can begin to weaken your codependent tendencies. If you’re in Lexington, KY, I’d be more than happy to help!