How To Online Date Successfully | 9 Tips For Better Dating Experiences

If you’ve ever tried online dating, you probably know that it can make you feel like you’re on an emotional rollercoaster. One minute you’re feeling great because you just got a sweet message from a new match and the next you’re feeling like shit because you realize you’ve definitely been ghosted by the person you went out with a few days ago. Online dating doesn’t have to be so emotional, though. It can be a really enjoyable experience that can help you get your needs/wants/desires met without making you crazy. All you need to do is approach it with an open mind and…

Get clear about what you want from online dating

There are lots of reasons why people turn to online dating. Some people online date with the intentions of finding someone to marry. Some people online date as a way to find friendly people to do fun activities with. Some people online date to find someone to fulfill physical or emotional desires. Some people are looking for a lifelong partner while others are just looking for a tennis partner. All of these reasons for online dating are wonderful and valid, but in order to be successful in finding what you want, you must get clear about what you want.

Be clear about what you want from online dating

Once you know what you want from online dating, be clear about it! If you’re just looking for someone to play tennis with, it’s perfectly okay to put in your profile “just looking for a tennis partner!” Stating what you want is always the easiest way to get what you want. Being unclear will only create more work for you because you’ll have to weed through a bunch of people that don’t even like tennis. If you state what you want and someone isn’t into it, then that person probably isn’t for you.

Don’t take things personally

It’s kind of a bummer when people don’t like tennis or don’t want to play tennis with me, but I don’t take it personally. I remind myself that they’ve probably had a bad experience with the game or they don’t feel like they’re good enough to play the game with me. I also remember that sometimes I don’t like playing tennis with certain people because they don’t feel like a very good match for me. It doesn’t mean I don’t like them, it just means I don’t want to play tennis with them. Not every person you meet up with will be able to fulfill your needs or desires. And that’s okay. It doesn’t necessarily mean they don’t like you. It may just mean that they don’t like you enough to want to spend every day for the rest of their life with you.

Have realistic expectations

If you’re looking for a tennis partner, know that not everybody who plays tennis will be a good match for you. If you’re looking for a lifelong partner, know that even less people would be a good match for you. Online dating is a process and it takes time. You must have patience.

Don’t put so much pressure on the date

Even if you’re looking for a lifelong partner, a first date is supposed to be casual! All you’re doing is getting to know another person. No reason to be nervous or stressed. If you get along, great! If not, move along. This isn’t some kind of performance or competition; it’s a human interaction.

Check in with yourself

Are you enjoying the conversation or the interaction? People are often worried about how the other person is experiencing them, but your experience matters too! If you aren’t having a wonderful time, it’s okay to leave the date early or decline another hangout.

Set boundaries

People are so afraid to set boundaries, but boundaries are wonderful! Boundaries help everyone understand where the comfort zone is and where it is not. When you set a boundary, people will either respect it or they won’t. If they don’t, leave the situation as quickly as possible because this person does not and will not respect you. If they do, your boundary worked and you can feel safe and comfortable and respected!

Be open-minded

If you’re unsure about someone after a first date, give them another shot! Some people get really nervous on first dates and it might take them a little bit to calm down and act like a normal human. Also, things you think are deal-breakers aren’t always deal-breakers. You may come around to that country accent or find a soft spot for that Chihuahua.

Own who you are and know your worth

Don’t ever hide parts of who you are to appeal to someone else. If someone isn’t accepting of you as a whole person, they don’t deserve to be in a relationship with you. You are a unique, wonderful human who deserves to be loved fully and there are people out there who will love you fully if you’ll allow them. But you have to show up to be seen. And you have to own every part of yourself (even the messy parts) to be fully loved.

Sometimes it’s hard to talk about the trials and tribulations of dating. It can feel really vulnerable to talk about feeling rejected or not deserving of love. If you need a safe space to process through these feelings, therapy is a great option! If you’re in Kentucky, schedule an appointment with me! If you’re somewhere else, watch this video on how to choose a therapist! 

Why Should I Go To Therapy? Benefits Of Therapy

The Destigmatization of Therapy

It’s a really cool time to be a therapist. People are excited about therapy and not afraid to let others know about it. Instead of therapy being seen as this thing that ‘only crazy people do’, therapy is now this thing that all kinds of people do and find value in. I’m loving it and so appreciative of everyone helping to destigmatize therapy! To those of you who aren’t on board yet, I want to talk about some of the reasons why I personally love therapy and how I find it to be beneficial in my own life (yes, therapists have therapists, too!).

Benefits of Therapy

Therapy offers a space without judgment

Ever wanted to tell someone about the feelings you had after that threesome or your shifting views on religion or those resentments against your parents that have been popping up? It’s hard to know how your mom or significant other or friends might respond to these things, but it’s your therapist’s job to respond without judgment. And with as many stories as they’ve heard in the therapy room, your desires, impulses, and feelings are more than likely not outrageous or crazy or judgment worthy to them like you think they are. 

Therapy makes you feel normal

Therapists have a way of normalizing everything. It’s almost annoying sometimes. Sometimes you want to feel special or bad or wild and your therapist will tell you, “nah girl, I see this all the time.” Therapists are privileged to lots of different stories that the average person isn’t privileged to. They know how normal it is to resent your parents or cheat on your significant other or use illicit substances; they won’t be surprised by your story.
*If you like feeling special, therapy isn’t for you

Therapy gives you space to sort things out with an unbiased observer/facilitator

If you talk to your friends and family about some of the things you talk about in therapy, chances are, they will have an opinion about what you should do or how you should act (and they will make this opinion known). This makes sense because they are directly affected by some of the decisions you make. The great thing about therapists is that they don’t really benefit from trying to sway you in a certain way like those close to you may, so it’s easier for them to have an unbiased opinion on the situation. Also, most therapists will keep their opinions to themselves unless directly asked (and then maybe they’ll share what they think with you *if they think it will be helpful). Sometimes a space to process without interruptions or unsolicited advice is all you need.

Therapy helps you grow in self-awareness

You realize you’ve been perpetuating patterns of thinking and behaving because of beliefs you developed in childhood (or adulthood). You no longer say, “this is just the way I am” because for the first time, you recognize that you have a hand in choosing. You learn that you can believe differently and you can choose differently, which allows you to begin taking action towards change.

Therapy can help you get unstuck or think about things from a different perspective

With the self-awareness you gain in therapy, you begin to think about things differently. You begin to see that the hurt others have caused you came from a place of pain within them. You empathize with others as you recognize that we’re all doing the best we can with the tools we’ve got. You develop compassion for yourself as you acknowledge that you learned your behavior from others who were hurt and in pain. But, you recognize that you don’t have to continue the cycle of hurt. You see the alternatives you have and acknowledge that you have a choice in continuing a harmful pattern that leads to more pain or beginning a new pattern that leads to life.

Therapy is a place you can feel seen and heard

No interruptions. No one-upping. No fighting for space to speak. A place to share your true thoughts, desires, hopes and dreams. To have these things validated and honored. A place to share your deepest pains, fears, and worries. To have these things acknowledged and held. It’s a beautiful space full of wonderful possibility.

Interested in therapy?

I’m constantly overwhelmed by the work my clients do in and out of the therapy room and I’m totally inspired by the freedom, joy, and authenticity they gain through our work together. If you’re interested in seeing how therapy could open you up to new possibilities, schedule a first session with me! If finances are an issue, contact me and I’ll see if we can work something out. There’s no reason to hold off on finding more freedom, joy, and authenticity in life; do it today!

You Deserve To Take Up Space Whether You're _____ (Funny, Smart, Pretty, Nice) Or Not

Self-Worth: Knowing that you don’t need to earn your space

Lately I’ve been working with some amazing people who have this belief that they must earn their space in this world. They must be funny, smart, beautiful, interesting, or attached to a man to be deserving of space. They feel they’re not inherently worthy of taking up space. But if they do enough for those around them, maybe they will be allowed space. Or if they provide enough entertainment/value/wisdom, maybe they will be given space. Or if they attach themselves to someone else, maybe they can take up a small part of their space. I want to let you know right now: YOU DESERVE TO TAKE UP SPACE. No matter how funny, interesting, or smart you are or aren’t. No matter who you’re attached to. No matter what anybody else says. You do not need to earn your space.  

Self-worth: Knowing that you are good just the way you are

So, where does this belief come from? I assume it’s from the many years of being told (directly or indirectly) we’re not right, we’re not good, or we’re not enough if we don’t follow these rules [of society]. In childhood, we’re often told to suppress certain behaviors, thoughts, or feelings because they’re not acceptable to our family unit or society in general. 

Self-worth: Knowing that we don’t have to follow society’s rules

Reject the rules that say don’t talk like that because the ideas and language you’re using are unacceptable and will make people think poorly of you (and possibly result in rejection). Don’t pleasure yourself because exploring your sexuality and seeking pleasure (or space for yourself in this world) is morally wrong. Don’t eat that food because it will cause you to take up more space physically in this world, which is seen as undisciplined and greedy (therefore bad).

Self-worth: Knowing you are wholly worthy of being seen

For a child, these messages often translate into ‘certain parts of me or certain desires/passions of mine are unacceptable or unworthy of being seen.’  We as a society teach our young that certain desires, passions, identities, and interests should be avoided or hidden in order to be accepted into society. If we hide these parts of ourselves, we don’t feel totally free (and that’s a shame). But if we show them, we risk being rejected, told that we don’t belong, and feeling that we must earn our space back by following the rules more closely.

Choose freedom over confinement

If you feel at odds with yourself because you want to show more of your true self to the world but feel that this will lead to rejection, please choose the possibility of rejection over the confinement of society’s rules. You deserve to take up space simply because you exist. If someone has told you otherwise, maybe they’re trying to inhabit a space they shouldn’t be in or maybe you need to move your space elsewhere. There is space for you in this world, but maybe you just haven’t found where that space is yet. Keep looking! 

You Don’t Have To Follow Social Norms : The Guide To Breaking All The Rules

Why do we deprive ourselves of things we love?

I was talking to my dad on the phone the other day and asking him what kind of cake he’d like for his birthday. He said, “I’m trying to stay away from sweets right now.” There was one point in my life where I would have nodded my head with understanding but now the statement appalls me and makes me so sad. You’re trying to stay away from something you like? Why!?

What rules do you have for yourself?

What rules have you adopted for society’s sake? A few rules I used to have for myself to keep my body size acceptable for society were 1) work out at least 5 times a week 2) don’t eat gluten 3) restrict sweets. I wasn’t doing these things for health reasons- it was almost entirely for aesthetics. Didn’t work and made me miserable, but that’s a different story for another time.

We all follow rules or norms for the purpose of being acceptable to society

We may not follow these rules consciously with awareness, but we get messages from society about how to act and present ourselves all the time and it’s impossible to rage against the machine and avoid assimilating 100% of the time. So I would ask yourself what rules do you follow for the purpose of being accepted in to our current day society? Maybe your rules have been adopted to fit into your religious community or your work environment or your family unit. Maybe they’re rules you’ve adopted from your parents or picked up from friends. It doesn’t really matter where they’ve come from, but it does matter how they’re serving you. And if they’re not serving you, you need to throw them in the garbage.

How are society’s rules serving you?

If it doesn’t serve you to deprive yourself of sex until marriage, have sex before marriage. If it doesn’t serve you to exercise every day, take time for rest. If it doesn’t serve you to be in a monogamous relationship, look into consensual nonmonogamy. If it doesn’t serve you to spend time with family members that are toxic, cut them out of your life. If it doesn’t serve you to pretend you agree with the beliefs of your friends or coworkers, tell them your own beliefs and see what happens. If something isn’t serving you, you’re going to remain frustrated and miserable until you put an end to it. Accept that people may not accept you if you go against the grain. But with this, recognize that 1) the tribe you want around you will accept you and 2) you will be able to accept yourself more when you start to practice behaviors that serve you. When you aren’t going against the things you believe or hiding who you are and what you feel, you surprisingly feel a lot better about yourself.

What do you value according to the rules you follow?

If you follow rules that require you to 1) do things you don’t like doing or that feel bad to you and/or 2) avoid doing things you like doing or that feel good to you, ask yourself why. Why do you deprive yourself of things you like? Why do you force yourself to do things you don’t like? Obviously because of a value you hold. So why do you value that thing or that opinion or that belief? If your reason for depriving yourself of sweets and delicious food is so that you can try to maintain a certain body weight so that people will find you attractive and want to be with you, what are you saying you value? Shallow relationships? If your love language is touch but you deprive yourself of sex before marriage because a book that you value and a community you cherish recommended it, what does that mean you value? The wisdom of others rather than your own wisdom? If you disagree with the opinions of others but choose to not have discussion around your disagreements out of fear of ruffling feathers, what are you valuing there? Social approval and acceptance?

Rejecting social norms can result in social rejection

Okay, I know it’s not easy to let go of all the rules because it oftentimes does come with the price of social rejection.  I understand the reality of this, which is why I still find myself hanging on to rules that don’t serve me. I think the first step to letting go of these rules is just naming them and calling them out. I would encourage you to make a list of your rules so that you can begin exploring why you follow them. And then experiment with breaking them. 

Rejecting social norms can help you find your tribe

There are tons of amazing humans out there that will accept you for whatever way you want to express yourself or show yourself to the world. Beginning to reject status quo and make your own rules can help you find these people. When we allow ourselves to be free, others are often more attracted to us anyways. And they yearn to find some of that freedom for themselves.

To show you my humanity, here’s a list of rules I’ve been struggling with lately: 

-Avoid speaking your opinion on _______ (race, gender, politics, religion, monogamy) in mixed company so as to avoid being labeled an extreme liberal or crazy feminist

-Don’t discuss the newfound freedom you’ve found since leaving Christianity with anyone remotely Christian so you can avoid being looked at as a sinner that needs to be saved

-Avoid showing tattoos in professional spaces so as not to be seen as unprofessional

-Don’t talk about your thoughts on why masturbation and polyamory should be celebrated in order to avoid people discounting you entirely for your ‘radical ideas’

Start breaking society’s rules and share the freedom with a friend!

Sharing my rules with others often helps me realize that I’m not alone in feeling the way I do and gives me the support and encouragement I need to start breaking my rules. Make your list and share it with a trusted friend. See how they react. If you don’t have a trusted friend, make an appointment with a therapist that provides a judgment free zone for you to process things like this! 

Why Don’t You Take Insurance? I Don’t Want To Diagnose / Pathologize Your Coping Skills

Insurance companies will not pay for your therapy without a diagnosis

I get a lot of questions about why I don’t take insurance and wanted to write this post to help people understand. The short of it is this: I’m not taking insurance because I don’t want to diagnose people with arbitrary ‘disorders’ that will affect the way they view themselves and the way they move forward in life. The long of it?

The term abnormal is arbitrary

We label something abnormal based on the cultural norms and context it’s within. What’s abnormal in one culture, point in time, or context is normal in another. In the context of religion, hearing a voice could be a message from God; outside the church it’s schizophrenia. In a culture where food is scarce, eating uncontrollably when you have the opportunity to do so is seen as a survival skill; when food is plentiful, it could be considered binge-eating disorder. In one point in time, being gay was considered a disorder of pathology. Diagnosing is just a way of categorizing behavior outside the norm as disordered.

We often learn ‘disordered’ behaviors in response to trauma

Most ‘abnormal behavior’ is an adaptation to fucked up shit. It’s a way of coping with brokenness and pain. You may turn to an addiction as a way of escaping painful memories of past abuse. You may disassociate from your body during and after a trauma in order to protect yourself from fully experiencing the trauma. You may experience extreme anxiety as a response to constantly being in situations where your life was at risk or threatened. You may experience crippling depression because you learned in your childhood that nothing you do can get you out of the shitty situation you’re in so you might as well stop trying.

Our bodies try to protect us from further trauma by sending us messages

Anxiety and depression are messages, not disorders. Anxiety is a normal reaction to a fearful situation. Depression is a normal reaction to an upsetting situation. If you are constantly being put in or putting yourself in fearful situations, you will feel more anxiety. If you are constantly being put in or putting yourself in upsetting situations, you will feel more depression. This is not disordered, this is your body sending you a message to get out of that situation!

I want to honor your capacity for survival

If I give you a diagnosis of pathology for the behavior you’re engaging in that’s helped you cope with your trauma or pain, then I don't feel I’m truly honoring your amazing capacity for survival. If I say that your extreme feeling of anxiety or depression are disordered, I feel like I’m discounting the wisdom of your body. Your ‘disordered’ or ‘abnormal’ behavior has come about as a means of survival. I don’t want to pathologize it. If I pathologize your behaviors or bodily sensations, you are likely to pathologize them as well. You’re likely to say that the way you act or feel is wrong or bad, which may make you feel like you are wrong or bad. This will make it hard for you to see the amazing ways these behaviors and/or sensations were trying to serve you. And if you can’t see the amazing capacity you have for survival, you may never address the underlying reasons for why you adapted these survival mechanisms in the first place. You may just stay stuck in thinking you’re wrong or bad for the way you’re getting through life.

Your coping skills are not disordered

I don’t think people are wrong or bad for their survival mechanisms. I don’t want to call coping skills disordered. I don’t want to put you in a box based on an arbitrary diagnosis. Also, insurance is super corrupt and I really just don’t want to be a part of that whole system. So that’s why I don’t take insurance; I hope you understand. There are a lot of wonderful therapists out there who do and I am so thrilled that they are providing people access to care who wouldn’t be able to afford it otherwise. I just know that it doesn’t feel right in my soul to diagnose and I’m determined to conduct my work in a way that feels right in my soul.

Any more questions? Contact me and I’d be more than happy to answer them!

How Can Mindfulness Help With Addiction?

In my last post I talked about the what and why of addiction. Recap: addictions are destructive thought or behavior patterns people engage in mindlessly to escape reality and find some kind of temporary relief from pain. Today I want to talk about mindfulness: how it can help us be present and find alternative ways of dealing with our reality so that we no longer have to turn to our addictions for relief from pain.

Mindfulness basics

Mindfulness is basically just practicing awareness in the present moment without judgment. Mindfulness is key in overcoming addiction. First of all, you can’t change a thought or behavior pattern if you aren’t mindful/aware of it; you have to understand that you are engaging in these patterns that aren’t serving you before you can change them.

Identifying your addiction

If you’re already aware of the addictions you struggle with in your life, skip to the next paragraph. If not, here are some useful questions to ask yourself to identify addictions in your own life:

• What thought or behavior patterns do I engage in that cause me to feel good in the moment but which cause me a lot of grief/pain/guilt/shame in the long run?

• What thoughts or behaviors do I turn to in times of high stress or emotion?

• How do I distract or numb myself from my reality?

Consider these questions and notice your thoughts and behaviors in times of high stress or emotion. Don’t judge or criticize yourself for the thoughts that come into your head during these moments or the actions you take as a result of high stress or emotion, just get curious and observe. You are not bad for engaging in these thoughts or behaviors; you are coping with life the best way you know how. You may learn new coping skills that work better for you down the line, but right now you are just trying to learn more about yourself.

How mindfulness combats addiction

When we can become more mindful of the mindless ways we respond to stress, emotion, and reality, we gain the realization that we have a choice in the way we respond. Sometimes it feels like we have no control over our addictions, but this is because our addictions have become mindless habits for us. We feel pain, we seek pleasure. It takes courage and a lot of work to break a habit, especially one that brings temporary relief from pain. To break a habit, we must first ask ourselves why we are having the thought to engage in the habit. Observe the emotions you feel when you feel triggered to engage in your addiction: stress, depression, anger, anxiety, fear, loneliness, etc. Get curious about these feelings and your reactions to these feelings.

Ask yourself how engaging in your addiction could help with these feelings. Observe what comes up, maybe it’s, “you wouldn’t have to deal with your feelings of loneliness if you got some more heroin” or “you won’t have to think about all the stress you’re dealing with if you just eat those cookies” or “you will finally be worthy of love and acceptance if you exercise for just one more hour.” We don’t judge these thoughts; we get curious about them. We ask ourselves if our thoughts are true. We reality check and question if engaging in this thought or behavior will really solve our ultimate problem. We wonder if there are any other ways of dealing with our problem.

By observing and getting curious about the thoughts that trigger us to engage in our addictions, we find that these thoughts are just thoughts; they are not necessarily true and they do not necessitate an action from us. We can have these thoughts without them controlling us and this helps them to lose their power over us. We recognize that they are not always the best solution to our problems and we find that maybe there are better ways of coping with our reality.

Learn more about mindfulness & addiction recovery in a therapy session with me.

Share this post with a friend if you found it helpful!

What Causes Anger and How To Control It : An Alternative Approach To Anger Management

What causes anger? And what does it mean that anger is a secondary emotion?

When you’re angry, it just feels like anger to you. Sometimes it’s hard to notice anything underneath your anger unless you really dig in to your emotions, but anger is an emotion we often resort to secondarily when we’re trying to protect ourselves from feeling a more vulnerable primary emotion such as sadness, fear, or pain. In The Mastery of Love by Don Miguel Ruiz, anger is described as a mask for fear. Anger is fear that: we (or those we love) won’t get what we need, are not safe and secure, are not loved, valued, or respected, and/or will not be included. Anger has a lot to do with expectation. We expect others to treat us and our loved ones fairly, with dignity, and with kindness. When these things don’t happen, we often react in anger because we have been hurt. Anger is an emotional response to an unfulfilled expectation. We want to resist our feelings of pain and we do this by feeling anger instead. Anger is a natural emotion that we can’t avoid, but it doesn’t have to be negative.

Anger can be healthy if it’s in the present.

It’s natural and healthy to respond to an injustice with anger. It’s also natural and healthy to let this anger motivate us to make some kind of change in our lives or in the world. If we can change the situations that are causing us to be angry, we must. If we can’t change the situations, we must change ourselves. It isn’t natural and healthy to allow anger to persist past the present. When we suppress feelings of anger, they often come back up in the future. Dwelling on past hurt and becoming angry about it does us no good, which is why we must lean in to our anger when we experience it so that it doesn’t come back up.

How do we lean in to our anger?

First, we must identify what’s triggering our anger. Easy enough, your spouse made a backhanded comment to you, your boss didn’t give you the raise you were promised, your pharmacy won’t give you the prescription you need. Of course you’re angry about this. The next question is a little harder and will require you to dig a little deeper. Why are you angry? What’s underneath it? Your spouse making a backhanded comment makes you feel hurt and/or afraid that they don’t love you anymore. Your boss not giving you a raise makes you fear that you aren’t valued and respected at work. Your pharmacy not giving you the prescription you need makes you fear that you won’t get what you need to function. It can be difficult to identify what’s underneath your anger, but if you look deep enough, there’s always something there.

Alternative Anger Management : Reality Checking

Now that you’ve identified the other emotions accompanying your anger, it’s important to acknowledge these emotions. Acknowledge the fear or pain you are experiencing and acknowledge how you feel threatened. These feelings are normal! It would be abnormal if you didn’t experience fear in response to being threatened. Acknowledge that your feelings of fear are normal, but then you must take a closer look at these fears. You must ask yourself if your fears are legitimate. Does your spouse really not love you anymore or were they just having a bad day and decide to take their frustration out on you? Does your boss really not value you or have they simply forgotten about your raise because of their busy schedule? Does your pharmacist really want you to suffer or have you failed to get the proper prescription approvals needed for your medicine? When we can reflect in this way and practice awareness around our anger, we are much more likely to think rationally about our anger. If we can think more rationally about our anger, we can respond to our anger more rationally, as well.

Anger is an emotional response to an unfulfilled expectation

Gabor Maté, a physician who specializes in addiction and who I will most definitely talk more about in a future post, says you should “be at least as interested in your reactions as in the person or situation that triggers them.” If we can dig in and explore why we respond with anger to certain people and situations, we can learn a lot about ourselves. When angry, ask yourself what expectation of yours went unmet. You expected your spouse to be kind, your hard work to be recognized by your boss, or for things to go your way at the pharmacy. What expectations do you have for the people around you and the situations you find yourself in?

We know that life isn’t fair and things don’t always go our way, but we still get angry when we feel we haven’t been treated fairly or things haven’t gone our way. So, are our expectations realistic? Can we really expect for people to treat us kindly, fairly, and with respect all the time? Regardless of your answer to this question, it doesn’t change the fact that people won’t always treat you with kindness, fairness, and respect. There will be times where you’re treated unfairly or without respect, so what are you going to do about it? You can choose to get angry and dwell on this anger for an indefinite amount of time OR you can choose to acknowledge the way you feel threatened, ask yourself if your fears are legitimate, and release your expectations for others.

Alternative Anger Management : The Hypothesis of Generosity

Brené Brown talks about the hypothesis of generosity in her book Rising Strong and this hypothesis has significantly changed the way I respond to frustration and anger. With the hypothesis of generosity, you ask yourself: what’s the most generous assumption I can make about this person’s intentions or what they said or did to me? You are much less likely to be angry about the person who cut you off in traffic if you assume they are speeding to the hospital with their pregnant about-to-deliver wife. You are much less likely to be angry about the person who made a rude comment to you at the grocery if you assume they are going through it because they just lost someone they love. You are much less likely to be angry about your friend cancelling plans last-minute if you assume they have overstretched themselves and are making this decision to preserve their mental health because they just have way too much going on. If we can release our unrealistic expectations for others and accept a hypothesis of generosity, we can live much happier lives.

Alternative Anger Management : Choosing to live on the track of love

Don Miguel Ruiz sums all this up in his book The Mastery of Love as he explains how we choose to live our lives either on a track of fear (and scarcity) or a track of love (and abundance)…

“Love has no expectations. Fear is full of expectations. With fear we do things because we expect that we have to and we expect that others are going to do the same. That is why fear hurts and love doesn’t hurt. We expect something and if it doesn’t happen, we feel hurt- it isn’t fair. We blame others for not fulfilling our expectations. When we love, we don’t have expectations; we do it because we want to, and if other people do it or not, it’s because they want to or not and it’s nothing personal.”

The world could be a much better place if we all decided to choose love over fear.

Alternative Anger Management Worksheet (Feel free to share this resource!)

If interested in seeking therapy for anger management in the Lexington, KY area…

Contact me to see if we could be a good fit to work together and address some of the fears that may be holding you back from living a more joyful love-filled life.