The Case For Polyamory : Dispelling Myths About Open Relationships

Polyamory means ‘many loves’

Polyamory is a relationship structure that involves consensual non-monogamy. People who engage in polyamory acknowledge that it is possible to have many loves at once and that the love of one does not necessarily take away from the love of another. This counters the mono-normative culture we live in that encourages one romantic or sexual partner at a time. 

Polyamory can take many forms

I’ve talked to people who assume that all polyamorous people are super kinky or highly interested in sex, which isn’t always true and is sometimes far from the truth. Some people do choose a polyamorous relationship structure to enjoy more sexual freedom, which is wonderful, but there are other reasons people choose this structure as well. Some people find their way to polyamory through an intellectual journey that leads them to question the monogamous structure. Other people choose polyamory as a way of relieving themselves of the pressure of meeting their partner(s) needs (sexually or otherwise), especially when there is desire discrepancy or one partner identifies as asexual. 

Monogamy hasn’t always been the norm

There are a lot of theories as to why monogamy is currently the norm in our society and I believe it’s a mixture of social, political, and cultural influences. Before monogamy, there was community. You contributed to your community in whatever way you could, and in return, you got to share in the bounty of your community. If your community was thriving, so were you. If it was struggling, you were also. Things took a turn when some people decided that they wanted to pursue security over community. They realized that if they could claim property and children, they could have their own workforce profiting only them. Securing a fertile, monogamous mate could likely lead you to securing more resources for yourself as you put your children to work earning for the smaller family unit rather than the community. 

Monogamy can help us feel more secure

Since the destruction of the community, it can feel like monogamy is all we have to find security in anymore. It’s better to have one person we can partner up with and who will promise to help us out when we need it than to have none. We cling to monogamy because we need to feel like someone is on our team through thick and thin. 

Monogamy can feel like a lot of pressure 

Then there’s this weird idea in our society that the person we are romantically involved with is supposed to be everything for us. They’re supposed to meet our emotional, physical, spiritual, and intellectual needs. We shouldn’t have to go anywhere else for these things, especially not for our physical needs. But you would never expect one friend to meet all of your needs for you, would you?! You recognize that some friends stimulate you intellectually and others stimulate you emotionally and you know that it’s wonderful you have more than one friend for this reason. 

Polyamory encourages return to community 

People who are polyamorous don’t believe that there is someone out there who completes them or who is their ‘other half’; they believe that their life is enriched by exploring relationships and learning with many people. They trust that the giving of love will multiply love for everyone rather than take away love from one. They give their partners freedom to explore connections so that they can have as much joy and intimacy in their life as possible. 

Polyamory may lead to:

-more freedom in the way you love others

-more friends/lovers/support 

-less pressure to be the sole support for your partner(s)

-feeling more loved by your partner(s) as you see that they want you to be happy and feel loved even if it brings up insecurities and challenging feelings for them

-more self-reflection and challenging of the status quo as you find that a partner sharing love with another does not take away from the love that you have with them (as society has taught you to believe)

Polyamory takes a lot of work and a lot of unlearning 

Monogamy works for some people (most likely people with great support from a community). And polyamory works for other people. Both of these relationship structures have their own benefits and challenges and ultimately you are the only person that can decide what’s best for you. I am an advocate for less judgment around ‘alternative relationship structures’ as I feel we should always encourage more love in the world. Opening up a relationship requires a lot of trust and communication, so I would not recommend it to everyone. It can be hard work to challenge some of the beliefs that we have around what a relationship should look like and can be difficult to navigate the jealousy and possessiveness that can come up when practicing consensual non-monogamy. This process can be made easier by talking to other poly people about their experiences or by working with a therapist who is knowledgeable about polyamory.

Considering opening up your relationship? Or just feeling unhappy about your current relationship setup? Schedule an appointment with me to talk things out and explore the best way to proceed with your relationship. 

You Deserve To Take Up Space Whether You're _____ (Funny, Smart, Pretty, Nice) Or Not

Self-Worth: Knowing that you don’t need to earn your space

Lately I’ve been working with some amazing people who have this belief that they must earn their space in this world. They must be funny, smart, beautiful, interesting, or attached to a man to be deserving of space. They feel they’re not inherently worthy of taking up space. But if they do enough for those around them, maybe they will be allowed space. Or if they provide enough entertainment/value/wisdom, maybe they will be given space. Or if they attach themselves to someone else, maybe they can take up a small part of their space. I want to let you know right now: YOU DESERVE TO TAKE UP SPACE. No matter how funny, interesting, or smart you are or aren’t. No matter who you’re attached to. No matter what anybody else says. You do not need to earn your space.  

Self-worth: Knowing that you are good just the way you are

So, where does this belief come from? I assume it’s from the many years of being told (directly or indirectly) we’re not right, we’re not good, or we’re not enough if we don’t follow these rules [of society]. In childhood, we’re often told to suppress certain behaviors, thoughts, or feelings because they’re not acceptable to our family unit or society in general. 

Self-worth: Knowing that we don’t have to follow society’s rules

Reject the rules that say don’t talk like that because the ideas and language you’re using are unacceptable and will make people think poorly of you (and possibly result in rejection). Don’t pleasure yourself because exploring your sexuality and seeking pleasure (or space for yourself in this world) is morally wrong. Don’t eat that food because it will cause you to take up more space physically in this world, which is seen as undisciplined and greedy (therefore bad).

Self-worth: Knowing you are wholly worthy of being seen

For a child, these messages often translate into ‘certain parts of me or certain desires/passions of mine are unacceptable or unworthy of being seen.’  We as a society teach our young that certain desires, passions, identities, and interests should be avoided or hidden in order to be accepted into society. If we hide these parts of ourselves, we don’t feel totally free (and that’s a shame). But if we show them, we risk being rejected, told that we don’t belong, and feeling that we must earn our space back by following the rules more closely.

Choose freedom over confinement

If you feel at odds with yourself because you want to show more of your true self to the world but feel that this will lead to rejection, please choose the possibility of rejection over the confinement of society’s rules. You deserve to take up space simply because you exist. If someone has told you otherwise, maybe they’re trying to inhabit a space they shouldn’t be in or maybe you need to move your space elsewhere. There is space for you in this world, but maybe you just haven’t found where that space is yet. Keep looking! 

You Don’t Have To Follow Social Norms : The Guide To Breaking All The Rules

Why do we deprive ourselves of things we love?

I was talking to my dad on the phone the other day and asking him what kind of cake he’d like for his birthday. He said, “I’m trying to stay away from sweets right now.” There was one point in my life where I would have nodded my head with understanding but now the statement appalls me and makes me so sad. You’re trying to stay away from something you like? Why!?

What rules do you have for yourself?

What rules have you adopted for society’s sake? A few rules I used to have for myself to keep my body size acceptable for society were 1) work out at least 5 times a week 2) don’t eat gluten 3) restrict sweets. I wasn’t doing these things for health reasons- it was almost entirely for aesthetics. Didn’t work and made me miserable, but that’s a different story for another time.

We all follow rules or norms for the purpose of being acceptable to society

We may not follow these rules consciously with awareness, but we get messages from society about how to act and present ourselves all the time and it’s impossible to rage against the machine and avoid assimilating 100% of the time. So I would ask yourself what rules do you follow for the purpose of being accepted in to our current day society? Maybe your rules have been adopted to fit into your religious community or your work environment or your family unit. Maybe they’re rules you’ve adopted from your parents or picked up from friends. It doesn’t really matter where they’ve come from, but it does matter how they’re serving you. And if they’re not serving you, you need to throw them in the garbage.

How are society’s rules serving you?

If it doesn’t serve you to deprive yourself of sex until marriage, have sex before marriage. If it doesn’t serve you to exercise every day, take time for rest. If it doesn’t serve you to be in a monogamous relationship, look into consensual nonmonogamy. If it doesn’t serve you to spend time with family members that are toxic, cut them out of your life. If it doesn’t serve you to pretend you agree with the beliefs of your friends or coworkers, tell them your own beliefs and see what happens. If something isn’t serving you, you’re going to remain frustrated and miserable until you put an end to it. Accept that people may not accept you if you go against the grain. But with this, recognize that 1) the tribe you want around you will accept you and 2) you will be able to accept yourself more when you start to practice behaviors that serve you. When you aren’t going against the things you believe or hiding who you are and what you feel, you surprisingly feel a lot better about yourself.

What do you value according to the rules you follow?

If you follow rules that require you to 1) do things you don’t like doing or that feel bad to you and/or 2) avoid doing things you like doing or that feel good to you, ask yourself why. Why do you deprive yourself of things you like? Why do you force yourself to do things you don’t like? Obviously because of a value you hold. So why do you value that thing or that opinion or that belief? If your reason for depriving yourself of sweets and delicious food is so that you can try to maintain a certain body weight so that people will find you attractive and want to be with you, what are you saying you value? Shallow relationships? If your love language is touch but you deprive yourself of sex before marriage because a book that you value and a community you cherish recommended it, what does that mean you value? The wisdom of others rather than your own wisdom? If you disagree with the opinions of others but choose to not have discussion around your disagreements out of fear of ruffling feathers, what are you valuing there? Social approval and acceptance?

Rejecting social norms can result in social rejection

Okay, I know it’s not easy to let go of all the rules because it oftentimes does come with the price of social rejection.  I understand the reality of this, which is why I still find myself hanging on to rules that don’t serve me. I think the first step to letting go of these rules is just naming them and calling them out. I would encourage you to make a list of your rules so that you can begin exploring why you follow them. And then experiment with breaking them. 

Rejecting social norms can help you find your tribe

There are tons of amazing humans out there that will accept you for whatever way you want to express yourself or show yourself to the world. Beginning to reject status quo and make your own rules can help you find these people. When we allow ourselves to be free, others are often more attracted to us anyways. And they yearn to find some of that freedom for themselves.

To show you my humanity, here’s a list of rules I’ve been struggling with lately: 

-Avoid speaking your opinion on _______ (race, gender, politics, religion, monogamy) in mixed company so as to avoid being labeled an extreme liberal or crazy feminist

-Don’t discuss the newfound freedom you’ve found since leaving Christianity with anyone remotely Christian so you can avoid being looked at as a sinner that needs to be saved

-Avoid showing tattoos in professional spaces so as not to be seen as unprofessional

-Don’t talk about your thoughts on why masturbation and polyamory should be celebrated in order to avoid people discounting you entirely for your ‘radical ideas’

Start breaking society’s rules and share the freedom with a friend!

Sharing my rules with others often helps me realize that I’m not alone in feeling the way I do and gives me the support and encouragement I need to start breaking my rules. Make your list and share it with a trusted friend. See how they react. If you don’t have a trusted friend, make an appointment with a therapist that provides a judgment free zone for you to process things like this!