If you’ve ever tried online dating, you probably know that it can make you feel like you’re on an emotional rollercoaster. One minute you’re feeling great because you just got a sweet message from a new match and the next you’re feeling like shit because you realize you’ve definitely been ghosted by the person you went out with a few days ago. Online dating doesn’t have to be so emotional, though. It can be a really enjoyable experience that can help you get your needs/wants/desires met without making you crazy. All you need to do is approach it with an open mind and…

Get clear about what you want from online dating

There are lots of reasons why people turn to online dating. Some people online date with the intentions of finding someone to marry. Some people online date as a way to find friendly people to do fun activities with. Some people online date to find someone to fulfill physical or emotional desires. Some people are looking for a lifelong partner while others are just looking for a tennis partner. All of these reasons for online dating are wonderful and valid, but in order to be successful in finding what you want, you must get clear about what you want.

Be clear about what you want from online dating

Once you know what you want from online dating, be clear about it! If you’re just looking for someone to play tennis with, it’s perfectly okay to put in your profile “just looking for a tennis partner!” Stating what you want is always the easiest way to get what you want. Being unclear will only create more work for you because you’ll have to weed through a bunch of people that don’t even like tennis. If you state what you want and someone isn’t into it, then that person probably isn’t for you.

Don’t take things personally

It’s kind of a bummer when people don’t like tennis or don’t want to play tennis with me, but I don’t take it personally. I remind myself that they’ve probably had a bad experience with the game or they don’t feel like they’re good enough to play the game with me. I also remember that sometimes I don’t like playing tennis with certain people because they don’t feel like a very good match for me. It doesn’t mean I don’t like them, it just means I don’t want to play tennis with them. Not every person you meet up with will be able to fulfill your needs or desires. And that’s okay. It doesn’t necessarily mean they don’t like you. It may just mean that they don’t like you enough to want to spend every day for the rest of their life with you.

Have realistic expectations

If you’re looking for a tennis partner, know that not everybody who plays tennis will be a good match for you. If you’re looking for a lifelong partner, know that even less people would be a good match for you. Online dating is a process and it takes time. You must have patience.

Don’t put so much pressure on the date

Even if you’re looking for a lifelong partner, a first date is supposed to be casual! All you’re doing is getting to know another person. No reason to be nervous or stressed. If you get along, great! If not, move along. This isn’t some kind of performance or competition; it’s a human interaction.

Check in with yourself

Are you enjoying the conversation or the interaction? People are often worried about how the other person is experiencing them, but your experience matters too! If you aren’t having a wonderful time, it’s okay to leave the date early or decline another hangout.

Set boundaries

People are so afraid to set boundaries, but boundaries are wonderful! Boundaries help everyone understand where the comfort zone is and where it is not. When you set a boundary, people will either respect it or they won’t. If they don’t, leave the situation as quickly as possible because this person does not and will not respect you. If they do, your boundary worked and you can feel safe and comfortable and respected!

Be open-minded

If you’re unsure about someone after a first date, give them another shot! Some people get really nervous on first dates and it might take them a little bit to calm down and act like a normal human. Also, things you think are deal-breakers aren’t always deal-breakers. You may come around to that country accent or find a soft spot for that Chihuahua.

Own who you are and know your worth

Don’t ever hide parts of who you are to appeal to someone else. If someone isn’t accepting of you as a whole person, they don’t deserve to be in a relationship with you. You are a unique, wonderful human who deserves to be loved fully and there are people out there who will love you fully if you’ll allow them. But you have to show up to be seen. And you have to own every part of yourself (even the messy parts) to be fully loved.

Sometimes it’s hard to talk about the trials and tribulations of dating. It can feel really vulnerable to talk about feeling rejected or not deserving of love. If you need a safe space to process through these feelings, therapy is a great option! If you’re in Kentucky, schedule an appointment with me! If you’re somewhere else, watch this video on how to choose a therapist!

Self-Worth: Knowing that you don’t need to earn your space

Lately I’ve been working with some amazing people who have this belief that they must earn their space in this world. They must be funny, smart, beautiful, interesting, or attached to a man to be deserving of space. They feel they’re not inherently worthy of taking up space. But if they do enough for those around them, maybe they will be allowed space. Or if they provide enough entertainment/value/wisdom, maybe they will be given space. Or if they attach themselves to someone else, maybe they can take up a small part of their space. I want to let you know right now: YOU DESERVE TO TAKE UP SPACE. No matter how funny, interesting, or smart you are or aren’t. No matter who you’re attached to. No matter what anybody else says. You do not need to earn your space.

Self-worth: Knowing that you are good just the way you are

So, where does this belief come from? I assume it’s from the many years of being told (directly or indirectly) we’re not right, we’re not good, or we’re not enough if we don’t follow these rules [of society]. In childhood, we’re often told to suppress certain behaviors, thoughts, or feelings because they’re not acceptable to our family unit or society in general.

Self-worth: Knowing that we don’t have to follow society’s rules

Reject the rules that say don’t talk like that because the ideas and language you’re using are unacceptable and will make people think poorly of you (and possibly result in rejection). Don’t pleasure yourself because exploring your sexuality and seeking pleasure (or space for yourself in this world) is morally wrong. Don’t eat that food because it will cause you to take up more space physically in this world, which is seen as undisciplined and greedy (therefore bad).

Self-worth: Knowing you are wholly worthy of being seen

For a child, these messages often translate into ‘certain parts of me or certain desires/passions of mine are unacceptable or unworthy of being seen.’ We as a society teach our young that certain desires, passions, identities, and interests should be avoided or hidden in order to be accepted into society. If we hide these parts of ourselves, we don’t feel totally free (and that’s a shame). But if we show them, we risk being rejected, told that we don’t belong, and feeling that we must earn our space back by following the rules more closely.

Choose freedom over confinement

If you feel at odds with yourself because you want to show more of your true self to the world but feel that this will lead to rejection, please choose the possibility of rejection over the confinement of society’s rules. You deserve to take up space simply because you exist. If someone has told you otherwise, maybe they’re trying to inhabit a space they shouldn’t be in or maybe you need to move your space elsewhere. There is space for you in this world, but maybe you just haven’t found where that space is yet. Keep looking!