What Do You Mean By Religious Trauma?

Religious trauma refers to lasting harm to a person’s physical, mental, emotional, social, or spiritual health due to the beliefs or experiences they have had within a religious context. This kind of trauma is oftentimes complex because it generally involves a series of experiences and a system of harmful beliefs rather than a single traumatic event. People who have experienced religious trauma may struggle with low self-esteem, perfectionism, chronic anxiety, shame, depression, lack of trust in self, codependency, and sexual dysfunction.

There are a variety of religious beliefs and experiences that can have detrimental effects on people’s health and well-being. The following list is not meant to be exhaustive, but rather a compilation of some of the most common ways I have seen people negatively impacted by religion. I will mostly be referring to the Christian religion as this is where my personal experience lies.

Harmful Beliefs

-Inherent sinfulness: The belief that we are all inherently sinful by nature can be extremely damaging to self-esteem and self-worth.

-Biblical literalism: The belief that the bible is absolute truth can lead people to trust outside sources over themselves and may prohibit critical thinking skills from fully developing. 

-Purity culture: The belief that sex outside of marriage is sinful can lead to delayed social milestones, sexual immaturity, anxiety around sex, and sexual dysfunction. The belief that women must practice modesty to be worthy can lead women to feel shame if they are not ‘modest enough’ and can help enable rape culture in the church as some men will blame women for tempting them into the act because of their immodesty.

-Traditional gender roles: The belief that men should lead and women should submit has caused many women to feel inferior to men and to question their capabilities and worth. 

-Self-sacrifice: The belief that you should put others before yourself (as Jesus did) can lead to codependent and people-pleasing behaviors where people lack healthy boundaries with others and can hinder the development of a sense of self. 

-The belief that God is omniscient and omnipresent can lead to chronic anxiety and self-consciousness. 

Traumatic Experiences

-There are countless individuals who have been publicly shamed or ostracized from the church for doing something deemed sinful by the community (divorce, abortion, having a child out of wedlock, etc.). This kind of experience can lead to shame, isolation, feelings of worthlessness, depression, and suicidal ideation. 

-Many churches talk often about hell and what could land you there, leading many people (especially children) to feel chronically stressed, anxious, and hyperaware of their every move. Some churches even put on a performance around Halloween (aptly named ‘Judgment House’) where audience members are taken scene by scene through a story where young people die in a tragic accident and are then judged to determine their fate in the afterlife. You are taken to ‘hell’ where the scene is dark and ominous and there are actors pretending to be demons. You end the performance in ‘heaven’ where there are church members dressed in all white waiting to pray with you, using lines like “If you were to die after leaving here tonight, do you know where you’d spend eternity?” to elicit emotional responses from the audience. Church members (including children) are encouraged to participate and invite their non-believer family members and friends to the performance. 

-Many LGBTQ+ folks in the church have been told that they are living a sinful life. Some have been encouraged or forced to go to conversion therapy and to reject their identity. Others have been kicked out of positions in the church or pushed out of the church entirely because of their identity. This experience of marginalization and stigmatization can result in low self-worth, an inability to express oneself authentically, an inability to explore one’s sexuality, and sometimes suicide.  

-Sermons about tithing being a demonstration of your trust in God can be very manipulative and can influence people to put themselves through financial hardship to prove their faith or to avoid feeling guilty about not tithing.

Questions and Concerns

When you are immersed in religion, it can be very difficult to challenge religious thought or religious authorities because you are taught to distrust yourself since you are of a ‘sinful nature’. You are taught to trust the bible and the people who are interpreting the bible for you. You are encouraged to put aside doubt and have faith rather than critical thinking. This can cause religious people to feel they can’t question or challenge what’s happening within the church. Though they may be able to recognize that some of these beliefs and experiences are damaging, they may not feel they are able to challenge the authorities on them. 

When people do begin to challenge religious beliefs and authorities, it can feel very destabilizing. It’s common to feel confused and unanchored as old ways of thinking are shed and a new belief system and identity is built. Some people can go through the process of deconstructing their beliefs and remain religious, while others feel leaving the religion is an imperative part of their healing. Leaving a religion can be a very difficult decision to make, though, as it often comes with the loss of community and identity. A person who leaves their religion may lose friends and loved ones (or at the very least have their relationships altered drastically) as it can be difficult for people who are still part of the religion to handle the way these doubts and questions challenge their own beliefs. This can lead to feeling isolated and alone as you question your core beliefs and try on new ways of thinking.

Recovering From Religious Trauma

Following are some practical steps to work towards healing from the effects of religious trauma:

-Grow your critical thinking skills: Ask all the questions, get as many different viewpoints as possible, learn/read/expose yourself to different ideas, analyze and reflect on the information you gather.

-Learn to trust yourself: Observe and reflect on the feelings and physical sensations that come up in your body, listen to gut feelings, reflect on times when your intuition proved to be right, remind yourself that nobody does life perfectly and that we learn through experience. 

-Set boundaries in relationships: Identify relationships where you feel you betray or overextend yourself, determine how you want to feel in those relationships and what parts of yourself you need to preserve to make that happen, communicate directly and be firm with your boundary. 

-Challenge black and white thinking: Remind yourself that there are rarely only two options in a given situation, seek out nuance everywhere you can, challenge yourself to see how many different options/alternatives there possibly could be.  

-Explore who you are and what you believe: Journal, seek out new experiences, talk to new people, ask questions, go to therapy, observe and reflect on your reactions to new people and experiences.

-Find healthy supports: Seek out communities that are accepting of self-exploration, look into secular groups or groups for people recovering from religion, find a therapist who understands religious trauma.

If you are looking for mental health support as you begin your journey of healing from religious trauma, feel free to reach out to me at tivoli@tivoligardenscounseling.com to discuss working together!

Why Should I Go To Therapy? Benefits Of Therapy

The Destigmatization of Therapy

It’s a really cool time to be a therapist. People are excited about therapy and not afraid to let others know about it. Instead of therapy being seen as this thing that ‘only crazy people do’, therapy is now this thing that all kinds of people do and find value in. I’m loving it and so appreciative of everyone helping to destigmatize therapy! To those of you who aren’t on board yet, I want to talk about some of the reasons why I personally love therapy and how I find it to be beneficial in my own life (yes, therapists have therapists, too!).

Benefits of Therapy

Therapy offers a space without judgment

Ever wanted to tell someone about the feelings you had after that threesome or your shifting views on religion or those resentments against your parents that have been popping up? It’s hard to know how your mom or significant other or friends might respond to these things, but it’s your therapist’s job to respond without judgment. And with as many stories as they’ve heard in the therapy room, your desires, impulses, and feelings are more than likely not outrageous or crazy or judgment worthy to them like you think they are. 

Therapy makes you feel normal

Therapists have a way of normalizing everything. It’s almost annoying sometimes. Sometimes you want to feel special or bad or wild and your therapist will tell you, “nah girl, I see this all the time.” Therapists are privileged to lots of different stories that the average person isn’t privileged to. They know how normal it is to resent your parents or cheat on your significant other or use illicit substances; they won’t be surprised by your story.
*If you like feeling special, therapy isn’t for you

Therapy gives you space to sort things out with an unbiased observer/facilitator

If you talk to your friends and family about some of the things you talk about in therapy, chances are, they will have an opinion about what you should do or how you should act (and they will make this opinion known). This makes sense because they are directly affected by some of the decisions you make. The great thing about therapists is that they don’t really benefit from trying to sway you in a certain way like those close to you may, so it’s easier for them to have an unbiased opinion on the situation. Also, most therapists will keep their opinions to themselves unless directly asked (and then maybe they’ll share what they think with you *if they think it will be helpful). Sometimes a space to process without interruptions or unsolicited advice is all you need.

Therapy helps you grow in self-awareness

You realize you’ve been perpetuating patterns of thinking and behaving because of beliefs you developed in childhood (or adulthood). You no longer say, “this is just the way I am” because for the first time, you recognize that you have a hand in choosing. You learn that you can believe differently and you can choose differently, which allows you to begin taking action towards change.

Therapy can help you get unstuck or think about things from a different perspective

With the self-awareness you gain in therapy, you begin to think about things differently. You begin to see that the hurt others have caused you came from a place of pain within them. You empathize with others as you recognize that we’re all doing the best we can with the tools we’ve got. You develop compassion for yourself as you acknowledge that you learned your behavior from others who were hurt and in pain. But, you recognize that you don’t have to continue the cycle of hurt. You see the alternatives you have and acknowledge that you have a choice in continuing a harmful pattern that leads to more pain or beginning a new pattern that leads to life.

Therapy is a place you can feel seen and heard

No interruptions. No one-upping. No fighting for space to speak. A place to share your true thoughts, desires, hopes and dreams. To have these things validated and honored. A place to share your deepest pains, fears, and worries. To have these things acknowledged and held. It’s a beautiful space full of wonderful possibility.

Interested in therapy?

I’m constantly overwhelmed by the work my clients do in and out of the therapy room and I’m totally inspired by the freedom, joy, and authenticity they gain through our work together. If you’re interested in seeing how therapy could open you up to new possibilities, schedule a first session with me! If finances are an issue, contact me and I’ll see if we can work something out. There’s no reason to hold off on finding more freedom, joy, and authenticity in life; do it today!

You Deserve To Take Up Space Whether You're _____ (Funny, Smart, Pretty, Nice) Or Not

Self-Worth: Knowing that you don’t need to earn your space

Lately I’ve been working with some amazing people who have this belief that they must earn their space in this world. They must be funny, smart, beautiful, interesting, or attached to a man to be deserving of space. They feel they’re not inherently worthy of taking up space. But if they do enough for those around them, maybe they will be allowed space. Or if they provide enough entertainment/value/wisdom, maybe they will be given space. Or if they attach themselves to someone else, maybe they can take up a small part of their space. I want to let you know right now: YOU DESERVE TO TAKE UP SPACE. No matter how funny, interesting, or smart you are or aren’t. No matter who you’re attached to. No matter what anybody else says. You do not need to earn your space.  

Self-worth: Knowing that you are good just the way you are

So, where does this belief come from? I assume it’s from the many years of being told (directly or indirectly) we’re not right, we’re not good, or we’re not enough if we don’t follow these rules [of society]. In childhood, we’re often told to suppress certain behaviors, thoughts, or feelings because they’re not acceptable to our family unit or society in general. 

Self-worth: Knowing that we don’t have to follow society’s rules

Reject the rules that say don’t talk like that because the ideas and language you’re using are unacceptable and will make people think poorly of you (and possibly result in rejection). Don’t pleasure yourself because exploring your sexuality and seeking pleasure (or space for yourself in this world) is morally wrong. Don’t eat that food because it will cause you to take up more space physically in this world, which is seen as undisciplined and greedy (therefore bad).

Self-worth: Knowing you are wholly worthy of being seen

For a child, these messages often translate into ‘certain parts of me or certain desires/passions of mine are unacceptable or unworthy of being seen.’  We as a society teach our young that certain desires, passions, identities, and interests should be avoided or hidden in order to be accepted into society. If we hide these parts of ourselves, we don’t feel totally free (and that’s a shame). But if we show them, we risk being rejected, told that we don’t belong, and feeling that we must earn our space back by following the rules more closely.

Choose freedom over confinement

If you feel at odds with yourself because you want to show more of your true self to the world but feel that this will lead to rejection, please choose the possibility of rejection over the confinement of society’s rules. You deserve to take up space simply because you exist. If someone has told you otherwise, maybe they’re trying to inhabit a space they shouldn’t be in or maybe you need to move your space elsewhere. There is space for you in this world, but maybe you just haven’t found where that space is yet. Keep looking! 

You Don’t Have To Follow Social Norms : The Guide To Breaking All The Rules

Why do we deprive ourselves of things we love?

I was talking to my dad on the phone the other day and asking him what kind of cake he’d like for his birthday. He said, “I’m trying to stay away from sweets right now.” There was one point in my life where I would have nodded my head with understanding but now the statement appalls me and makes me so sad. You’re trying to stay away from something you like? Why!?

What rules do you have for yourself?

What rules have you adopted for society’s sake? A few rules I used to have for myself to keep my body size acceptable for society were 1) work out at least 5 times a week 2) don’t eat gluten 3) restrict sweets. I wasn’t doing these things for health reasons- it was almost entirely for aesthetics. Didn’t work and made me miserable, but that’s a different story for another time.

We all follow rules or norms for the purpose of being acceptable to society

We may not follow these rules consciously with awareness, but we get messages from society about how to act and present ourselves all the time and it’s impossible to rage against the machine and avoid assimilating 100% of the time. So I would ask yourself what rules do you follow for the purpose of being accepted in to our current day society? Maybe your rules have been adopted to fit into your religious community or your work environment or your family unit. Maybe they’re rules you’ve adopted from your parents or picked up from friends. It doesn’t really matter where they’ve come from, but it does matter how they’re serving you. And if they’re not serving you, you need to throw them in the garbage.

How are society’s rules serving you?

If it doesn’t serve you to deprive yourself of sex until marriage, have sex before marriage. If it doesn’t serve you to exercise every day, take time for rest. If it doesn’t serve you to be in a monogamous relationship, look into consensual nonmonogamy. If it doesn’t serve you to spend time with family members that are toxic, cut them out of your life. If it doesn’t serve you to pretend you agree with the beliefs of your friends or coworkers, tell them your own beliefs and see what happens. If something isn’t serving you, you’re going to remain frustrated and miserable until you put an end to it. Accept that people may not accept you if you go against the grain. But with this, recognize that 1) the tribe you want around you will accept you and 2) you will be able to accept yourself more when you start to practice behaviors that serve you. When you aren’t going against the things you believe or hiding who you are and what you feel, you surprisingly feel a lot better about yourself.

What do you value according to the rules you follow?

If you follow rules that require you to 1) do things you don’t like doing or that feel bad to you and/or 2) avoid doing things you like doing or that feel good to you, ask yourself why. Why do you deprive yourself of things you like? Why do you force yourself to do things you don’t like? Obviously because of a value you hold. So why do you value that thing or that opinion or that belief? If your reason for depriving yourself of sweets and delicious food is so that you can try to maintain a certain body weight so that people will find you attractive and want to be with you, what are you saying you value? Shallow relationships? If your love language is touch but you deprive yourself of sex before marriage because a book that you value and a community you cherish recommended it, what does that mean you value? The wisdom of others rather than your own wisdom? If you disagree with the opinions of others but choose to not have discussion around your disagreements out of fear of ruffling feathers, what are you valuing there? Social approval and acceptance?

Rejecting social norms can result in social rejection

Okay, I know it’s not easy to let go of all the rules because it oftentimes does come with the price of social rejection.  I understand the reality of this, which is why I still find myself hanging on to rules that don’t serve me. I think the first step to letting go of these rules is just naming them and calling them out. I would encourage you to make a list of your rules so that you can begin exploring why you follow them. And then experiment with breaking them. 

Rejecting social norms can help you find your tribe

There are tons of amazing humans out there that will accept you for whatever way you want to express yourself or show yourself to the world. Beginning to reject status quo and make your own rules can help you find these people. When we allow ourselves to be free, others are often more attracted to us anyways. And they yearn to find some of that freedom for themselves.

To show you my humanity, here’s a list of rules I’ve been struggling with lately: 

-Avoid speaking your opinion on _______ (race, gender, politics, religion, monogamy) in mixed company so as to avoid being labeled an extreme liberal or crazy feminist

-Don’t discuss the newfound freedom you’ve found since leaving Christianity with anyone remotely Christian so you can avoid being looked at as a sinner that needs to be saved

-Avoid showing tattoos in professional spaces so as not to be seen as unprofessional

-Don’t talk about your thoughts on why masturbation and polyamory should be celebrated in order to avoid people discounting you entirely for your ‘radical ideas’

Start breaking society’s rules and share the freedom with a friend!

Sharing my rules with others often helps me realize that I’m not alone in feeling the way I do and gives me the support and encouragement I need to start breaking my rules. Make your list and share it with a trusted friend. See how they react. If you don’t have a trusted friend, make an appointment with a therapist that provides a judgment free zone for you to process things like this! 

Why Don’t You Take Insurance? I Don’t Want To Diagnose / Pathologize Your Coping Skills

Insurance companies will not pay for your therapy without a diagnosis

I get a lot of questions about why I don’t take insurance and wanted to write this post to help people understand. The short of it is this: I’m not taking insurance because I don’t want to diagnose people with arbitrary ‘disorders’ that will affect the way they view themselves and the way they move forward in life. The long of it?

The term abnormal is arbitrary

We label something abnormal based on the cultural norms and context it’s within. What’s abnormal in one culture, point in time, or context is normal in another. In the context of religion, hearing a voice could be a message from God; outside the church it’s schizophrenia. In a culture where food is scarce, eating uncontrollably when you have the opportunity to do so is seen as a survival skill; when food is plentiful, it could be considered binge-eating disorder. In one point in time, being gay was considered a disorder of pathology. Diagnosing is just a way of categorizing behavior outside the norm as disordered.

We often learn ‘disordered’ behaviors in response to trauma

Most ‘abnormal behavior’ is an adaptation to fucked up shit. It’s a way of coping with brokenness and pain. You may turn to an addiction as a way of escaping painful memories of past abuse. You may disassociate from your body during and after a trauma in order to protect yourself from fully experiencing the trauma. You may experience extreme anxiety as a response to constantly being in situations where your life was at risk or threatened. You may experience crippling depression because you learned in your childhood that nothing you do can get you out of the shitty situation you’re in so you might as well stop trying.

Our bodies try to protect us from further trauma by sending us messages

Anxiety and depression are messages, not disorders. Anxiety is a normal reaction to a fearful situation. Depression is a normal reaction to an upsetting situation. If you are constantly being put in or putting yourself in fearful situations, you will feel more anxiety. If you are constantly being put in or putting yourself in upsetting situations, you will feel more depression. This is not disordered, this is your body sending you a message to get out of that situation!

I want to honor your capacity for survival

If I give you a diagnosis of pathology for the behavior you’re engaging in that’s helped you cope with your trauma or pain, then I don't feel I’m truly honoring your amazing capacity for survival. If I say that your extreme feeling of anxiety or depression are disordered, I feel like I’m discounting the wisdom of your body. Your ‘disordered’ or ‘abnormal’ behavior has come about as a means of survival. I don’t want to pathologize it. If I pathologize your behaviors or bodily sensations, you are likely to pathologize them as well. You’re likely to say that the way you act or feel is wrong or bad, which may make you feel like you are wrong or bad. This will make it hard for you to see the amazing ways these behaviors and/or sensations were trying to serve you. And if you can’t see the amazing capacity you have for survival, you may never address the underlying reasons for why you adapted these survival mechanisms in the first place. You may just stay stuck in thinking you’re wrong or bad for the way you’re getting through life.

Your coping skills are not disordered

I don’t think people are wrong or bad for their survival mechanisms. I don’t want to call coping skills disordered. I don’t want to put you in a box based on an arbitrary diagnosis. Also, insurance is super corrupt and I really just don’t want to be a part of that whole system. So that’s why I don’t take insurance; I hope you understand. There are a lot of wonderful therapists out there who do and I am so thrilled that they are providing people access to care who wouldn’t be able to afford it otherwise. I just know that it doesn’t feel right in my soul to diagnose and I’m determined to conduct my work in a way that feels right in my soul.

Any more questions? Contact me and I’d be more than happy to answer them!

How You Can Improve Your Body Image : Body Positivity | Health At Every Size

How can you improve your body image?

I know we’ve all been taught to believe that losing weight or achieving a thin figure will help us to FINALLY love our bodies… but it won’t. Loving our bodies is an action we choose and if restricting and shaming our bodies are the actions we’re choosing, we are not loving our bodies. The thin ideal our culture promotes is an unhealthy, unrealistic body size that pits us against our own bodies. Just like it feels good to have a little extra money in savings in case of emergency, our bodies like to have a little extra energy (or fat) stored away in case of emergency (famine). Our bodies have learned to do this to keep us alive and this is a biological advantage.

People are profiting off your belief that your body is not good the way it is

But culture wants us to believe that thin is good, thin is healthy, and thin is beautiful. It hasn’t always been this way, though! Throughout most of history, larger bodies have been considered more desirable than thinner ones. In some cultures today, larger bodies are still more desirable than thinner bodies. Linda Bacon, author of Health at Every Size, says, “beauty standards reflect the political and economic interests of the times” and goes on to talk about how thin women were sold pills, creams, and potions that were supposed to help them get fatter in the early 1900s. Whatever can flip a profit is in. And you better believe that people are profiting big time off of your insecurities around your body (food companies, weight loss industry, pharmaceutical companies, health professionals, etc.).

Extra fat on your body doesn’t mean you’re unhealthy

But what about health?! I know we’ve all come to believe that we can determine someone’s health and their health habits by looking at them, but it just isn’t true! We know that there are thin people who are super unhealthy and larger people who don’t have any health issues, so why do we still latch on to the idea that weight = health? Probably because it makes us feel like we’re in control, but PLEASE READ HEALTH AT EVERY SIZE so you can understand that this simply isn’t true. Too little fat on your body is much more dangerous and unhealthy than too much. And BMI standards were set by people who receive funding from companies like Weight Watchers who are making a profit off of you thinking you’re unhealthy and need to lose weight!!

Improve body image by listening to your body

Okay, I think you get how angry I am about the diet and weight loss industry tricking us into hating our bodies and believing that we need to change them in the name of health. And I hope you’re angry, too. You don’t need to change your body. You need to change the way you feel about your body. Your body works hard for you and it’s about time you show it some appreciation. It needs love to thrive and your struggle against it and hatred of it is not conducive to it’s thriving. Listen to it and work with it. If it tells you it needs food, you need to give it food. If it tells you it need rest, give it rest. If it tells you to move, move joyfully.

Our bodies tell us what they need but oftentimes we think we know best (or culture knows best) so we try to override or ignore our bodies’ messages. We make rules for food or exercise or sleep or whatever else because we don’t trust our bodies. I know I’m sore, but I’ve got to get this workout in. I know I’m still hungry, but I’ve already had 2000 calories today. I know I’m tired, but I don’t have time to rest. Your body is wise and you do it a great disservice when you assume you know better about it’s needs than it does. It’s needs are constantly changing day to day and the only way to know exactly what it needs today is to listen to it!

Improve body image by showing love to your body

Start to love your body by listening to it. Start to love your body by giving it what it needs. Stop killing yourself at the gym and starving yourself at the dinner table. Loving your body isn’t all about loving the way it looks. You may never love the way it looks. But you can love the way it feels and the way you feel in it. You can love it for what it does for you, how it enables you to experience amazing things, and for the way it fights to keep you alive.

Your body is deserving of love no matter what size it is. Stop struggling against it and trust that it knows best when it comes to what it needs. Practice eating nutritiously, joyfully moving, and resting when your body tells you to for the sake of health. Stop trying to lose weight in the name of health. Acknowledge what’s under your fear of gaining weight or being in a larger body. Remember that you are worthy regardless of what size or shape your body is currently taking.

Read Health at Every Size or book an appointment with me to dive further in to your body image issues.